Dark Souls III: Physics Breaker

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Beyond the Church I arrived at the chamber of the sleeping princess, who wasn't so much sleeping and more long dead. Poking her destroyed the illusion that is the Ringed City (much like I heard that if you poke Gwynevere you reveal the true "dark" Anor Londo in the first Dark Souls) and left me standing in a massive desert of ash and ruin. Apart from one of the Princess' Knights who I put down, the only other one here is Gael... having grown to a massive size by cannibalizing the "people" here. He then turns to me with murderous intent.

The boss fight against Gael is certainly one of the "prettiest" in the series, with the physics defying knight flying in unexpected angles as he attacks. I only attempt two practice runs to read his basic set before summoning sunbro DogHow and S***A to assist. They are clearly experts at the fight and we have no problems as Gael switches to his even more beautiful phase 2 and phase 3 sequences, ultimately slaying the old slave knight with no friendly casualties. Thanks guys!

A picture cannot capture how awesome this fight is.

This just leaves one mysterious boss fog I found in an earlier secret passage which I couldn't enter. At first I thought it to be a bug, but it turns out there was a pre-requisite to open it first... defeat the dragon on the bridge.

Dark Souls III: Let there be Light

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

The flaming sword is familiar...

Being tasked with taking down gods is a pretty big leap, but fortunately I didn't have to do it alone. Upon entering the very empty, yet very beautiful area which was now the Kiln of the First Flame I was joined by Kallian of Carim and sunbros Sumrak 2005 and MoGG (players) to face the Soul of Cinder: an amalgamation of all those who had linked the flame before. This towering skeletal warrior had a variety of movesets but his phase two one was most familiar: Gwyn, complete with his two handed flaming sword.

Oh that can't be good...

Sumrak fell to the firey blade, as did Kallian who was air juggled to death (which is BS btw since it means you can't recover). The Cinderfella managed to do Gwyn's explosive grab on me a few times too, but with MoGG's help he was finally laid to rest. Thanks guys! Now the rest was up to me... I walked up to the first flame and saw the Firekeeper's summon sign next to it.

She had mentioned to call upon her to end the cycle of fire but as I said before - having seen first hand what that world would look like... no. I'd run away from this enough times now. Extending my hand, I linked the fire - which as expected... sets me on fire too. A heroic sacrifice to sustain the beauty of the world. I suppose a plateau of flowers and swords seems to be a fitting place to do it... and so ends my Dark Souls journey.

But does it really?

Dark Souls II: The Darksign Lives

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

It's the "B" team!

Upon our approach to the Throne, Bellclaire and I were joined by Benhart of Jugo and Bradley of the old guard which is a pretty strong team! Inside a duo who are a poor emulation of Ornstein and Smough try to stop but are so easily defeated by our superior numbers. Then as the Emerald Herald predicted, Nashandra arrived - looking much scarier than before and proclaiming all of us should join the dark... by dying.

Nasty AoE's meant it was archery time!

Her aura of curse kinda caught me by surprise so I opted to stay far away from her and snipe with my lightning short bow instead until her health was low enough to burst down. Bellclaire and Benhart fell to her scythe during the battle but my plan worked - soon Nashandra was just another corpse. Before Bradley and I could even recover, Aldia then shows up in all the glory of a flaming, magic casting and tentacled shrubbery.

Die you shrubbery!

Bradley tanks him effectively while I get his patterns down. While this eventually leads to victory it is not soon enough for the old guard who is impaled by the bastard bush. Just like Nashandra, Aldia is surprised by his own death - asking what is it that I will ask the throne (in both his voice and that of the Emerald Herald) before he dies. Aldia was Shanalotte all along!? It's then I notice the "throne" looks a hell of a lot like kiln of the first flame, and have vivid memories of Gwyn flooding back. "Narp," I say out loud to the room full of corpses and turn my back on it all.

There must be another way to break the curse of the darksign...

Dark Souls: What Goes Around

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

I found the lady who ruled this painting in the final tower, beyond the dragon's bridge. She was quite enchanting and surprisingly, not hostile. Apparently this world was one of peace - except since I didn't belong, everything was hostile (to me). She begged that I simply leave her and her citizens alone, and since she was so polite about it I accepted - returning to Anor Londo.

Diplomacy success!

Feeling sufficiently powered up I decided it was time to return to the Kiln of the First Flame for a rematch with Gwyn. He still slammed me on the first attempt but it was then I found his weakness: I could parry his giant flaming sword. And so, without much fuss, I counter-stabbed his crotch repeatedly and killed the "Lord of Cinder".

Right in the crotch - just like I practiced.

A bonfire waited behind him for me to "link the flame". And what, become the next Lord of Cinder? No thanks. With a 180 degree turn I marched right out of there where Frampt and his fellow sock puppets all bowed before me. Hah! I am their new Dark Lord, and now I have the power to do ANYTHING!!! BWAHAHAHAHA... ha... wait a minute...

They threw me back into the Undead Asylum.

Welcome to NG+.

Dark Souls: The Fourth Knight

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

The bird dropped me off where it originally picked me up, and the place looked exactly how I remembered it. Except there were a few more hollows now. And some of those knight guys. And the floor where I originally fought the fat demon to escape broke underneath me, making me fight ANOTHER fat demon. This one had no chance though as I was far too good now. I was a little sad that I had to slay Sir Estus, now a hostile hollow, but had no such feelings for the other knights who now patrolled the halls.

Here's your reward for helping me at the start...

In my old cell I found a strange doll which mentioned something about a magical painting. I knew exactly where that was! While digging through my pack I also find another key I hadn't used yet so I returned to Artorias' Arena and up some stairs to a locked tower I completely neglected before. Within I found the fourth "elite" knight of the king: Hawkeye Gough, a blind giant who has retired from dragon hunting and instead now makes wooden sculptures.

He talks a bit about the past, and that dragon slaying is the highest calling for any knight (given that Gwyn's army caned almost all of them). He asks if I am hunting the black dragon, Kalameet. I say yes, and the big guy decides to help out - using his great bow to nail the wyrm as it flies along in the distance. It's not dead though, just grounded. It would be up to me to give the coup de grace.

What a shot - especially for a blind guy!

Dark Souls: Reading between the Lines

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

While bonfire jumping I found Ser Chubby and his daughter reunited at last. She was weeping over his corpse.

Them feels.

Feeling a little more hollow than usual at the sight of Ser Chubby's fate, I mindlessly began bonfire warping and suddenly noticed that around half of the warpable bonfires were next to covenants. One in a lower tomb of Anor Londo struck me as particularly odd since it was a dead end, so I dug through my inventory and found a ring that seemed linked to the place. Putting it on the nearby wall vanished, revealing stairs down to a fog gate.

Upon my approach a voice calls begs for me to stop. He introduces himself as Gwyndolin, youngest son of Gwyn. He warns that I shouldn't cross the threshold for mortals shouldn't defile Gwyn's tomb. Wait, hang on a minute - I just fought Gwyn. The voice offers me to be a guardian of Anor Londo, to protect the city and the illusion of his sister. WHAT? Gwynevere is not real?! I'm tempted to go in there but since he is so polite and technically not a threat, I opt not to and leave him to guard that mysterious tomb.

He again reiterates I should take his father's place and link the flame though. What the hell does that even mean. I'm starting to question if he's trying to play me - maybe the Kiln is Gwyn's prison? As I ponder this back at Firelink Shrine a helpful player message suggests I can jump from a cliff to the higher ruin where the giant raven has been waiting this whole time. Curious, I curl up into a ball in its nest (because I guess I'm going insane) and after a few minutes it swoops in and brings me...

Back to the Undead Asylum where I started! Makes sense. :P

Don't you have Hobbits to deliver to Mt. Doom or something?

Dark Souls: Manus and Gwyn

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

With a fully refreshed Estus Flask, I took the lift back down into the Abyss (thank you whoever built that) and made the rather trivial journey to the bottom where I faced Demon King Kong Manus, the Father of the Abyss. So... all this black stuff came out of... man, just had visions of the Red Lady in Game of Thrones. Aaanyway, Manus was the monkey that pulled me here in the first place. He was also super easy to read, and using Iron Flesh and the Silver Pendant to negate his dark kamehamehas I slew him on the first try without breaking a sweat.

Stupid monkey.

The captive Princess Dusk was here, so I set her free and we both warped out back to the shrine with Elizabeth. The thankful shroom gave me pieces of her to eat (eww), so I just politely said you're welcome and warped back to Firelink Shrine. Frampt was awake now so I got him to take me to the temple underneath where I used the lord souls to open the door to an ash blasted landscape at the center of which stood the Kiln of the First Flame. Frampt urged me on, instructing me to "link the fire" to end this age of undeath.

A handful of familiar nameless knights guarded the path to it, but couldn't stop me from reaching it. Indeed, the best defense the Kiln had was King Gwyn, the Lord of Cinder himself and with his giant flaming sword I became shishkebab really quick. Gave it a few more tries but the end result was the same. Deciding I needed to level up a bit more I left him there for the time being for some more bonfire jumping to see if I missed anything.

Damned overcompensating fire sword...

Dark Souls: Knights of the King

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Must have rabies - look at the crazy eyes!

I awake underneath a tree with only one way to go - a clearing with a not so friendly manticore. After crushing the beast I found myself at a small shrine with a talking shroom named Elizabeth. She tells me Princess Dusk has been kidnapped (that was quick) and like any good Mario I should save the princess! Well, I'm here anyway so why not. The nearby and eerily familiar forest is filled with gardener-type spriggans as well as gigantic knight statues who I opt to stay away from. There's also a black dragon.

After much running I find a quiet area that unlocks some handy elevator shortcuts. A shady guy named Chester is here too, selling some stuff and being a bit of a douche. I'm not the only one who was dragged here he says. I slightly suspect Chester's related to Ser Dick. Anyway, at a nearby Colosseum I witness a strange, beholder head hollow getting thrashed by a mighty knight. Who then sets his sights on me! Turns out this is Artorias the Abysswalker, after the abyss had corrupted him.

I just wanted to return your ring, you psycho.

He is a tough fight because learning all his moves (amazing to watch, less so if it connects) takes some time and more than a few attempts. Ultimately I end up face tanking him with the pyromancy called Iron Flesh. This stunts his DPS enough for me to outlast him and ultimately put him in the ground. After the battle a lady knight named Ciaran appears and gives him a proper burial, asking if I could give her the soul of Artorias. Since I sense a connection there I hand it over and she gives me her twin daggers in exchange - stating she wouldn't need them any more.

Turns out this was the Lord's Blade Ciaran, one of the four best knights of the King (Gwyn, I assume). I had already met (and slain) two of the others: Artorias and Ornstein.

Dark Souls: Lord Vessel

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

After that super easy fight against Smough and Ornstein (yeah right), I find myself rewarded by meeting Princess Gwynevere, daughter or King Gwyn who is huge in all the right places! She gives me the Lord Vessel and asks I serve her as a princess guard, I don't hesitate to say yes. Because I'm an idiot like that. She then tells me to return to the sock puppet, Kingseeker Frampt, and to take her father's place. "Yes, your highness!".

These player messages are great.

The Lord Vessel is pretty handy too, it lets me warp to almost any bonfire I've lit so in a flash I'm back at Firelink Shrine getting eaten by the sock puppet. Wait what? It's ok - he was just transporting me to the altar below which use unlocks four orange fog gates via cut scene, behind which are located the four lord souls I'd be needing. That's what Frampt tells me anyway, before bringing me back top side.

I notice that Ser Dick is gone, but a new merchant is now semi-hiding on the aqueduct bridge. From this fellow I purchase Ornstein's armor, which not only looks cool - it makes for very functional "scout" gear. Havel's set would still be my go to from bosses though, and since I only knew where one of those orange fog doors were, I headed there first: back to Anor Londo and up to the library known as the Duke's Archives.

A pair of armored boars guarded the passage leading to it, and there was no fire to let them run into this time. However, just like in a bed time story my dad used to tell me I ran between two trees (actually an iron fence and a pillar) where the boars got stuck and easily poked them to death with a spear.

The Uglaboogs method works again!