Dark Souls: Knights of the King

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Must have rabies - look at the crazy eyes!

I awake underneath a tree with only one way to go - a clearing with a not so friendly manticore. After crushing the beast I found myself at a small shrine with a talking shroom named Elizabeth. She tells me Princess Dusk has been kidnapped (that was quick) and like any good Mario I should save the princess! Well, I'm here anyway so why not. The nearby and eerily familiar forest is filled with gardener-type spriggans as well as gigantic knight statues who I opt to stay away from. There's also a black dragon.

After much running I find a quiet area that unlocks some handy elevator shortcuts. A shady guy named Chester is here too, selling some stuff and being a bit of a douche. I'm not the only one who was dragged here he says. I slightly suspect Chester's related to Ser Dick. Anyway, at a nearby Colosseum I witness a strange, beholder head hollow getting thrashed by a mighty knight. Who then sets his sights on me! Turns out this is Artorias the Abysswalker, after the abyss had corrupted him.

I just wanted to return your ring, you psycho.

He is a tough fight because learning all his moves (amazing to watch, less so if it connects) takes some time and more than a few attempts. Ultimately I end up face tanking him with the pyromancy called Iron Flesh. This stunts his DPS enough for me to outlast him and ultimately put him in the ground. After the battle a lady knight named Ciaran appears and gives him a proper burial, asking if I could give her the soul of Artorias. Since I sense a connection there I hand it over and she gives me her twin daggers in exchange - stating she wouldn't need them any more.

Turns out this was the Lord's Blade Ciaran, one of the four best knights of the King (Gwyn, I assume). I had already met (and slain) two of the others: Artorias and Ornstein.

Dark Souls: Death Knights of the Deep

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

After slaying the demon tree, Ser Chubby's daughter was happy to see me back at Firelink Shrine. She gave me some trinkets as a reward for saving her father who had gone on one last adventure. After getting my gear repaired from demon land I decided it was time to go face those "unkillable" ghosts in the flooded ruins just below the shrine. You see, it's only at this point that I started reading item descriptions, only to realize most of the story in this game lives in the gear. More importantly I also find out what some things are used for, like transient curses: they allow you to hit ghosts!

Mine's bigger than yours.

My first enemy isn't a ghost though, it's Ser Dick!? After nonchalantly running him through I explore the haunted place which is far easier to do when you can actually fight back against the things that can fly, move through walls and come in swarms. At the top of one building I found a strange guy named Ingward, the "keeper" of this place, who upon sensing the lord vessel gives me a key and some back story of the place.

Apparently some terrible darkness took hold of the previous inhabitants, warping them into monsters and to stop them the whole city was sacrificed (via flooding). What I seek is below the water though, and the key he gave unlocks the great door that lets all the water rush out giving me access to the very dark and damp "floor made of dead bodies" below.

It's not long before I come across one of said monstrosities: a death knight!? There are many of them down here, and they are really tough to fight!

I really hate their grabbing, soul eating attack.

Dark Souls: Lord Vessel

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

After that super easy fight against Smough and Ornstein (yeah right), I find myself rewarded by meeting Princess Gwynevere, daughter or King Gwyn who is huge in all the right places! She gives me the Lord Vessel and asks I serve her as a princess guard, I don't hesitate to say yes. Because I'm an idiot like that. She then tells me to return to the sock puppet, Kingseeker Frampt, and to take her father's place. "Yes, your highness!".

These player messages are great.

The Lord Vessel is pretty handy too, it lets me warp to almost any bonfire I've lit so in a flash I'm back at Firelink Shrine getting eaten by the sock puppet. Wait what? It's ok - he was just transporting me to the altar below which use unlocks four orange fog gates via cut scene, behind which are located the four lord souls I'd be needing. That's what Frampt tells me anyway, before bringing me back top side.

I notice that Ser Dick is gone, but a new merchant is now semi-hiding on the aqueduct bridge. From this fellow I purchase Ornstein's armor, which not only looks cool - it makes for very functional "scout" gear. Havel's set would still be my go to from bosses though, and since I only knew where one of those orange fog doors were, I headed there first: back to Anor Londo and up to the library known as the Duke's Archives.

A pair of armored boars guarded the passage leading to it, and there was no fire to let them run into this time. However, just like in a bed time story my dad used to tell me I ran between two trees (actually an iron fence and a pillar) where the boars got stuck and easily poked them to death with a spear.

The Uglaboogs method works again!

Dark Souls: Kingseeker's Deathtrap

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

The mysterious death of the lava giant causes a good chunk of the caldera to solidify and be "survivably" traversable. Unfortunately the zone is home to a whole bunch of demons and while I manage to kill -one- it takes too much time and too many resources, especially as there are like six more behind him? Yeah, I decide to get out of there - purchasing a uchigatana from Shiva at Blighttown so I don't leave empty handed.

That's one ugly sock puppet.

I arrive back at Firelink to find the mute girl is dead, Lautrec is missing, and both Petrus and Ser Dick are as useless as ever. In the nearby ruin I also meet Kingseeker Frampt, the ugliest sock puppet ever, who tells me to go to Anor Londo to retrieve "the Lord Vessel" - something that can hold gigantic souls. Filled with purpose I head to the gates of Sen's Fortress (I wonder if there's any relation with Sen Mag dungeon from Mabinogi) which serves as the path to Anor Londo. Due to his absence I assume Ser Chubby forged ahead once that gate opened so I follow suit, only to find the entire place is a fricking death trap!

Blade pendulums: Check!

Apart from the reasonably tough lizardmen guarding the place, the layout is filled with narrow ledges with blade pendulums, dart shooting pressure plates, giant boulders rolling down various corridors, and chests that are actually really strong and freaky mimics! Since the bottom, flooded level (where you fall to if you goof up on the ledges) is inhabited by a number of those stone headless lightning things I decided that up is the way to go.

Dark Souls: Down, Down to Blighttown

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

With seemingly nowhere else to go in the forest, I returned to Firelink Shrine and was pleased that Lautrec (whom I had freed earlier) was now here and thankful to be free. Petrus was still waiting for his group, and Ser Dick reminded me ringing only one bell is meaningless. Thanks Ser Dick. Since I now had a divine rapier I decided to retry that graveyard and was pleased that I could now defeat the skeletons residing there. Alas the skeletons in the catacombs further in had a skill I wasn't expecting: they'd get back up with full HP. That was enough to send me running and looking for a new place to explore.

Also, if the divine weapon doesn't connect it doesn't really help...

I ended up choosing to venture into the ogre cave, discovering they aren't so hard to defeat after all being so open to counters and backstabs. They also make looting shit very literal. Still, the tunnel opens up into a massive underground slum called Blighttown where pretty much everything tries to poison you. The giant mosquitoes, giant leeches, ugly spider things, blowdart guys, even the floor when you reach it is a poisonous swamp (which coincidentally slows your movement). What a wonderful place. I wonder if it is connected to where the monsters from Dragon Age spawn from... Interestingly, Shiva the Ninja is here too - selling overpriced gear.

In one of the cisterns I am "invaded" (the not so good side about quasi-multiplayer thing) by Maneater Mildred who thankfully is an NPC since a) no one would intentionally name their character that and b) she opted to use a ladder instead of take a six foot drop. This led to an easy victory as I could basically stab her butt while she was stuck on the ladder. After resting at the local bonfire I get my more of my anti-venom moss ready (thanks spriggans) before heading out to explore the rest of this horrible zone.

Weakness: Woman therefore try rear!

Dark Souls: Lesson Knight

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Surprisingly the giant bird didn't kill me, it just brought me to a cliffside camp called Firelink Shrine which is home to an imprisoned mute woman, a chubby cleric named Petrus, and some random guy I'm going to call Ser Dick - thanks to his "winning" personality. Dick informs me I'm not the only one to escape from the prison, and suggests our quest involves the ringing of two bells for some reason. Petrus has no insights in the matter, instead offering to sell miracles (spells, but my faith was too low) and covenant membership to "The Way of the White" (PvE flag) while awaiting the rest of his party.

That's one way to make a quest hook I suppose...

Left to my own devices I decide to explore and find a few ways to go: a graveyard with skeletons that kick my butt, a flooded ruin with ghosts that I literally can't hit, a valley with drakes, a big dragon (whom I stole some treasure from) and scary ogres, or up towards what looks like a city guarded by low level hollow soldiers. To the city it is! The town is appropriately named Undead Berg since there are tons of hollows here, all hostile except for one psycho merchant who happily trades wares for souls.

Yep, souls are the main currency for everything here, and they are very easy to lose (through dying). I spend a lot of time in this area working out another key mechanic in the game: parrying, which requires specific key press timing to execute but if it works leaves your enemy wide open. My favorite training partner comes in the form of a towering knight, who killed me a quintillion times while I honed this skill. I was both relieved and sad when I finally passed this self imposed test, because unlike the other hollows - he didn't respawn.

Right in the crotch.