Friday, 17 July 2015

The Host

Aliens have taken over the world and only a handful of humanity remains.

Sounds like the start of some epic, carnage fest right? Only these aliens are parasitic, white furry caterpillars that float pretty slowly and must be introduced to their victims via a careful incision at the nape of the neck. Furthermore they are pretty benign in that by taking over they have achieved world peace, they never lie, and they only improve on the technology already available on the planet they conquer. It's a good explanation why "aliens" are just blue eyed people who use various forms of pepper spray and common vehicles like motorcycles, cars and *gasp* - helicopters.

The story of how a host then tries convince the alien to ally with it is ... ok, and makes for some funny scenes as they start talking to themselves and the audience gets to hear "the voice inside" but the ultimate problem is that much like the floaty caterpillars the movie goes VERY SLOWLY. The actors are actually all fine for me here, but the script is just lousy. Nothing happens! Expecting at least an interesting final showdown? NOPE. I guess I should have expected it from Stephenie Meyer.

What the was the writer thinking!?

Most importantly, how the hell did such stupid critters take over the world anyway? The armed forces of every country just rolled over and died from laughter? That's seriously the only logical explanation I can come up with. Do yourself a favor and avoid this one - I give it one caterpillar out of five and would rather watch any recent Steven Seagal film instead of this again.

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