Double Dolph: Bridge of Dragons and Red Scorpion

Bridge of Dragons (aka. Dragon Bridge)

There are no dragons in this movie. I didn't notice many bridges either.

General Ruechang is a bad man who seeks to claim the throne of the recently deceased king by marrying the princess. The princess isn't keen on this idea so she runs away to try join the rebels and the general sends Warchild, his best soldier (played by Dolph Lundgren) to bring her back. The movie then plays out as expected with action scenes involving shooting without reloading (including rocket launchers that fire without rockets), everything exploding, bad guys not being able to hit a target in the open, and ten recycled stunt guys wearing a variety of hats and wigs getting killed over and over again. It's also the type of movie where everything needs a sound effect. Turn left suddenly? "Whoosh!" Being sneaky? "Sneaky piano chord!"

If you are the type to do a facepalm every time you see something stupid in a movie, I think your hand and face is going to get sore watching this one. The town of "the world", which I named myself due to having people of every ethnicity in it, is very confusing from a technological as people are using horse drawn carriages, cars, and helicopters. Guess which one the princess chooses to make her awesome escape? If you said "a slow running horse", good work! In her free time the princess also likes to moonlight as a masked pit fighter to beat her subjects into the mud. This is good because her acting skills are as wooden as the staff she likes to use.

Oh noes, he might cut the side of your neck! :P

Also, don't worry about being confused as to who the rebels are and which guys are members of the "bad" army. All of Ruechang's vehicles have a huge "666" sign emblazoned on it to help you out. Speaking of which this movie holds the stupidest, slowest and worst chopper chase ever. Ruechang is also the only person with a sword but apparently it can only be used to slit throats, not for anything else. I give Bridge of Dragons (why the hell its called that I have no idea) one slow running horse out of five and declare it Not Worth Watching!

~~~

Red Scorpion

Proving that all "ultimate weapons" have a soft spot.

Dolph Lundgren is a Spetznaz soldier sent on a secret mission to assassinate a rebel leader in Africa by first befriending his captured lieutenant and helping him "escape". The plan goes a little sideways when he begins to see that he is fighting on the wrong side of the war. To its credit, this film is much better than the one above but then shoots itself in the foot by being very bloody long. As to be expected there's a lot of action, bad shooting, various vehicles (though I think the Germans could have fielded more than one chopper) and most importantly - lots of explosions. Of the real variety too where random wildlife gets startled by it unlike CGI explosions where non-actors rightfully don't react. Actually there's very little CGI to speak of.

If only they didn't train Dolph so well!

There's also perhaps a bit of animal cruelty, involving some critter carcasses but that's nothing compared to the torture scene involving needles. As good as the action parts are, unfortunately there is a bit of space between them (the problem with lengthy movies) which makes for a lot of down time so ultimately I can only give this one and a half scorpions out of five. Still, if you are a die hard Dolph Lundgren fan or an old-style action flick fanatic then you might actually get some kicks watching this. For everyone else, I advise to steer clear. Personally, I wouldn't watch it a second time either. Somehow though, this managed to inspire a sequel? *shrug*

Jurassic Attack / City

[Day 24 of Blaugust 2015!]

Jurassic Attack

Aka. when CGI fails to blend with live action.

Some soldiers on the hunt for an evil general stumble upon an uncharted crater deep in the amazon. One filled with DINOSAURS! Not just one type either, there's a whole bunch here and they are pretty decently animated. Unfortunately, they are also not well shaded and really don't interact well with the live action bits going on around them which makes it even more ludicrous to watch. To be fair, some of the gunfire also makes no noise for some reason so if the real life bits aren't interacting well with itself I suppose there's really a problem huh? :P

I'm totes real man.

The plot, which involves a pretty optimistic outlook on the number of survivors in aircraft crashes, is a pretty stock standard escape the predators scenario and just to tick that B-grade movie also fulfills the requirement of having any female cast member have shots in their undies. There's also bad acting to be had as well as the slightly bigger problem that the main protagonist is a douche bag. I was starting to like the "bad guy" more and more as the movie went on. Anyway, if you are looking for a "so bad it's good" movie this might fit the bill but taking it on the level I'm giving it one CGI dino out of five, and stamping my don't bother watching stamp on it.

~~~

Jurassic City

Totally unrelated to the first movie, yet could have been.

A secret government agency has been keeping dinosaurs captive in a secure site, but when it's proven the site is not as secure as it needs to be Captain "grenade launcher" is sent to divert a transport bringing more dinosaurs (from where exactly is never specified) into the parking garage of a detention facility which happens to also house a recently apprehended serial rapist/killer and a bunch of really moronic girls.

Hey dinosaur! Want to get into the spa with us?

You can tell the quality of the film when at the five minute mark they already get to the section of mandatory female undressing. Like Jurassic Attack, the dinos are actually animated passably - however they fail to interact with the live action stuff convincingly. It also features characters who you are actively willing to get killed which is never good especially if they are the protagonists. It's kinda sad since I am a Ray Wise fan but I have no choice - don't bother watching this movie. I give it one CGI dino out of five.

A Walk Among the Tombstones

The boring version of Taken.

Liam Neeson is back as a private investigator trying with an alcohol troubled past who is convinced to help some criminals catch other criminals who are hacking up their loved ones. There's a fair bit of sleuthing around and talking and not a lot of fighting / gun play which makes the story move a little slowly. Also, the body count again is quite low (for me) and Liam spends most of the time talking his way out of fights (which would make more sense).

So... I literally just walk around for most of this film? Screw that.

(My version of what should have happened: Walking Away from the Stupid Movie)

My problems with the film are Liam's filler "sidekick" who is quite irritating, that there are lots of stupid people who fail their observation checks (except for Liam), and the fact that the "victim" criminals don't want to call the police for assistance. That just shows to me the "victims" care more about themselves than the actual "victims" and aren't worth helping in my book. Anywho its a "meh" story, not one I want to see again, and I give it one shot glass out of five.

You should give this a skip and instead watch Unknown or even better, the Taken series which I believe are much better movies of a similar type.

The New World

Pocahontas as you've never experienced before, and with any luck - never will.

Basically this is the Pocahontas story without any singing, though it mostly follows male leads Colin Farrell (1st half) then Christian Bale (2nd half) and their "love" for the native princess. On the positive side, the sets and costumes are fantastic. The score a little lacking but I can see what they were trying to do with a sweeping string piece for the ship shots, a piano piece for Farrell and a piano piece for Bale. Alas most of the time, the music doesn't match what's taking place.

Also, Pocahontas seems to be tripping balls for 30% of the movie.

Worse still is that the movie suffers from very odd cutting, inserting random geography shots (which by themselves are nice), and definitely too much of "he looks at her, she looks back" shots - sometimes around ten in a row. This, in combination with quiet internal monologues from each lead plus a general lack of action makes for an incredibly dull tale as the plot moves along at a turtle's pace. A turtle climbing Mt. Everest, while missing two legs and carrying seven anvils. If you want to waste almost three hours of your life then this film is for you, otherwise I deem it Not Worth Watching and give it one sailing ship out of five.

The Host

Aliens have taken over the world and only a handful of humanity remains.

Sounds like the start of some epic, carnage fest right? Only these aliens are parasitic, white furry caterpillars that float pretty slowly and must be introduced to their victims via a careful incision at the nape of the neck. Furthermore they are pretty benign in that by taking over they have achieved world peace, they never lie, and they only improve on the technology already available on the planet they conquer. It's a good explanation why "aliens" are just blue eyed people who use various forms of pepper spray and common vehicles like motorcycles, cars and *gasp* - helicopters.

The story of how a host then tries convince the alien to ally with it is ... ok, and makes for some funny scenes as they start talking to themselves and the audience gets to hear "the voice inside" but the ultimate problem is that much like the floaty caterpillars the movie goes VERY SLOWLY. The actors are actually all fine for me here, but the script is just lousy. Nothing happens! Expecting at least an interesting final showdown? NOPE. I guess I should have expected it from Stephenie Meyer.

What the was the writer thinking!?

Most importantly, how the hell did such stupid critters take over the world anyway? The armed forces of every country just rolled over and died from laughter? That's seriously the only logical explanation I can come up with. Do yourself a favor and avoid this one - I give it one caterpillar out of five and would rather watch any recent Steven Seagal film instead of this again.

Jurassic Shark

Yesterday's post was a bit heavy so back to more light-hearted stuff today!

There's a shark... in a lake... and it eats people. :P

LOL. Just from the title you can imagine what type of movie this is! It's amateur hour all round with mandatory wooden performances, poor script, laughable CG and equally poor camera work. I think there's around five minutes of opening credits with just water lapping up onto a lake shore which is utterly stupid and takes the prime spot currently for "worst opening title sequence ever".

To summarize, some secretive company who have no offices as all their shots are filmed in random hallways or staircases are drilling for oil on an isolated island with a lake but they dug too deep and somehow freed a megalodon... Into the lake. Mandatory stupid people are there for ridiculous reasons, such as a group of robbers who escaped the police by crossing the lake? On an island? What? Also almost all the female cast have long undressing shots. It's just like it sounds.

Shh, I'm being very very sneaky!

I was also confused as to how a giant shark could survive in a lake, especially in some of the shallower parts, but hey - it survived in some ice apparently from the prehistoric period so I guess it's tough? Anywho, I give this movie 1 out of 5 computer generated sharks and declare it "Not Worth Watching"!

Into the Woods

A waste of good singers.

Since there's more singing than talking here it's safe to say this musical is about how a bunch of well known fairy tale characters cross paths with each other (continuously) in supposedly a huge and sometimes scary forest to make all their dreams come true. While everyone is a good or good enough singer, they don't actually have many (actually any in my opinion) good songs to sing. Hell, Eurovision had more memorable songs. Also, the girl who plays red riding hood is borderline in the acting department.

Egads, make it stop!

The tale itself is not too serious with a few funny bits. However it is also pretty dark and there are a number of mutilations and fatalities though all off screen. It's like they wanted to include gore to be dark and broody but chickened out to try still be "kid friendly". The entire thing also has a narrator, which I always find to be a cheap way to move the plot forward and when the third act comes around I just wanted the entire cast to die already so the movie would end. Annoying, unnecessary tedium!

Pity since the visuals were pretty good, especially for one of Cinderella's solos, but it's nowhere near enough to save it. I give this movie one and a half magic beans out of five and recommend that every stay the hell away from going Into the Woods. Obviously I have no interest in watching it again.

Robocop (2014)

50% Robocop. 50% Filler.

Much like the original movie, the protagonist police officer gets seriously injured early on and thanks to movie science becomes an android hybrid who continues his previous role as Robocop - who then goes on to finish investigating the run of the mill case he was on when he was so rudely interrupted by almost certain death. The actor who plays him here is a bit of a robot, but that works in his favor as mostly he is one for the majority of his screen time anyway.

I'm also quite happy that they somewhat kept the original theme music, and armor too - though I don't mind his black "tactical" version either. Having the robots out in full circulation right at the start was a welcome change for me as well, since it setup the stage for awesome action scenes. There are many little problems in the movie too like, bad guys not knowing how to shoot and bad guys simply not being threatening enough to the hero but the biggest, biggest flaw is simply that a huge chunk of the movie doesn't have Robocop in it.

Sums it up nicely.

Every single shot with Samuel L. Jackson could have been cut. All the political stuff could have just been setup as background noise. Michael Keaton definitely didn't need that many assistants. I'm not saying any of them were of poor acting quality, it just felt like they were fluff pieces to pad time to the film. Simply put, I felt there wasn't enough Robocop in Robocop and give it one and a half bullets out of five. Not only do I not want to watch it again, but I can strongly recommend to everyone else - even action fans, to give this a miss. There are simply better films out there.

The Rum Diary

Much like the main character, this movie suffers from a long, drunken stupor.

I came across this on TV the other day and after hearing some good music and Johnny Depp catching me by surprise as being the main star, I decided to watch this whacky film set in 1960's Puerto Rico. Depp is certainly likable as a writer looking for work, though he does have some really poor choice in friends and many vices that get him into trouble. He also meets the rich and sly Aaron Eckhart who serves as the "bad?" guy from Johnny's perspective anyway, since Johnny really likes Aaron's hot girl friend played by the beautiful Amber Heard.

Definite hotness.

There are quite a few funny and entertaining parts to this film, the main problem for me is that of all the little story arcs that start up nothing gets resolved. Yup. Absolutely nothing. Even most (not all) of Steven Seagal's B-grade films get this part right. Hell, even Sharknado gets this right. I'm going to spoil the movie for you now so you don't have to watch it: the closing text is "... this is the end of one story and the beginning of another." Followed by a block of text that tries to to tie everything up in 5 seconds. That is what I call bullshit. BULL SHIT. Given the star quality in this film I am surprised to find myself giving it 1 empty beer bottle out of 5. Don't bother watching this crap.

Rise of the Zombies

Oh Asylum Productions, you always make ridiculous movies. Basically stealing from almost every plot point in the zombie series "The Walking Dead", this film follows a ragtag group of zombie apocalypse survivors who are looking for a cure to the undead outbreak. Don't expect any explanations though as the zombies in this movie can't decide if they can sprint, jog, walk, stagger, or simply fall over. Sometimes they can scale unbelievable heights, while a few scenes later a wire fence slightly taller than a man can stop them. Some don't even look that zombie like. One even gets scared off by a dog. What?

Hero of the movie (on the right)!

The "heroes" aren't much better, often doing stupid things like saying "clear" when there are zombies sitting in plain view, throwing live grenades at team mates, ignoring doors that are getting breached by the infected and so on. Wait so are they infected or undead? Do only head shots kill them? I said not to ask! All of these and more get left unanswered! :P Acting wise I think only LeVar Burton (whom trekkies might better know as Geordi La Forge) is the only passable one. Even title actor Danny Trejo seems like he's just there for the paycheck.

There's little gore (not enough to save it) and the ending is somewhat anti-climatic. As much as I like Danny Trejo I'm afraid I can only give this movie one bullet out of five. One bullet, right in the head.

Attack Force

[Post #28 of the Blaugust Challenge!]

I'm pretty sure I've spoken about this before but as I've not yet done a proper review of it, I didn't want any of you to miss my thoughts on this outstanding film. Outstandingly bad that is. The story is that a drug dealer who has their hands on addictive yet DNA altering drugs is creating murderous and crazy people for ... SCIENCE!? One test subject kills a bunch of soldiers and thus Steven Seagal gets involved to hunt them down. Just as well too because said drug dealer is about to release the DNA altering drug into the water supply! Oh noes!

I made it sound pretty decent huh? Unfortunately the extent of "DNA alteration" just relates to giving people funky eyes, and for an action film the main hero remains in a sitting position for around half the movie. Also, some of his usually soft southern drawl lines were dubbed over by someone with a grindy and angry voice who sounds nothing like Steven Seagal. This is because the original plot involved aliens but they got changed post production into druggies. Yeah, they're pretty similar... cough.

Standard procedure for all druggies I suppose.

To top it off it felt like the director used ALL the footage he had for some shots. There are just so many that would have worked better if he cut some parts out. For example, there's a section where the military guys have a convoy on the move. We see car A enter the gate from a forward shot, then we see car A going through from a rear shot. Then forward shot of car B. Rear shot of car B. Again with car C. Then a long shot of the entire convoy slowly going down a road. There's literally five minutes of watching cars move at this point, with no voice overs.

I also suspect that towards the end there, even the director lost the plot as at least one pretty major plot point was forgotten and unresolved. It also makes it funnier. :P You will enjoy this more if you treat it as a comedy, but I should warn you properly by giving this film only half a bullet out of five.

Blaugust Bonus: Going straight for another of Belghast's writing prompts today - "Has there ever been a game encounter you were afraid of? For example I am spooked of tanking Garuda hard… has there ever been a fight or encounter you dreaded?". The grim reapers (aka walkers) of Wizardry Online quickly come to mind.

You can only encounter them when you are in the spirit world and thus cannot fight them so your only hope is to either sneak past behind their backs or sprint and zig zag like mad to a priest or revival fountain, often an interesting task since they enjoy patrolling narrow corridors. While they are quite slow when unalerted, they can easily boost faster than you and each time they catch you not only do they put you back at your corpse, meaning you have to try get past them again, but they also reduce your revival rate by 10%. Ten captures in a row and your character is instantly lost to permadeath. In the later dungeons there would be groups of these wandering together. Easiest solution to avoid them? Don't die. :P

Command Performance

[Post #22 of the Blaugust Challenge!]

I didn't have high hopes for this movie so I was quite surprised that it started out pretty good... and then it went to the level I thought it would be. :P The gist of the story is that while the Russian president and his daughters are attending a rock concert "for a good cause", a band of angry separatists storm the place and kill all but a handful of people who they then keep hostage until their demands are met. Unfortunately for them, drummer Dolph Lundgren escapes the initial assault and is inadvertently trapped inside with them. He also has a penchant for killing people, because that's how he rolls.

He's a man of many talents.

This "Die Hard" like plot quickly unravels though with some poor acting from the secondary players (the military commanders and the child actors in particular who enjoy looking right at the camera after delivering a wooden line), some really quick and unexplained changing of emotions, and one hilariously bad prop piece when the bad guys are checking out the "escape tunnel".   

At least there is a liberal amount of killing in the movie, and because it actually had some promise before everything descended into comedy, I give it one and a half bullets out of five.

Blaugust Bonus: I come from a very musically oriented family. Personally I play the piano, fiddle with the guitar, try to sing, and once upon a time played the clarinet. It's probably why Mabinogi with features to compose your own songs in game resonates so strongly with us. My proudest (and at the time, most terrifying for me) solo performance was providing keyboard and vocal singing for my cousin's wedding. Kinda glad now that people talked me into doing that. :)