Dark Souls II: Cool Turtle

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Since the Belfry is another dead end, I revisit the Gutter next - since I have a key to a locked door there now. In a room littered with poison shooting statues I find my old armor! Erm, I mean Havel's old armor! It still weighs a ton, but with the super defense it provides I warp back to Earthen Peak more confident than ever. The climb is definitely more survivable now, and after easily defeating a giant demonic turd I am joined by Devotee Scarlett who is a bit of a punk/cleric.

You thought I was exaggerating huh?

She guides me to a nearby windmill and keeps pointing and gesturing at it until I torch the thing which makes her happy. Young people eh? There's nothing that really stops us from continuing our ascent. Even the fire sorceresses are easily slammed now, and when the pyromaniac Jester Thomas joins there is no stopping our little band. Even the medusa boss of the place had no chance. I just sat and watched as Thomas and Scarlett tore her apart.

Easiest "boss" fight so far.

They depart after that victory leaving the path open for me to a keep made of iron, sitting in a moat of lava. Because that's obviously the best place to build these things. On the approach I am invaded by Fencer Sharon who has no chance getting through my defense. After sending her packing, Armorer Dennis attacks next - and he has some cool magic sword powers. Not cool enough to win though (thank you Estus flask!). I make sure to toss his corpse into the lava so he won't show up again.

Dark Souls II: Weakness: Woman therefore try rear

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Are you this game's Solaire?

Player messages never fail to amuse.

My forays into the fortress don't go too well, though on a lower floor I meet Lucatiel, a lady wearing a bearded mask. She is impressed that I still want to talk to her even though she's actively trying to get people to stay away. I also find an anti-poison ring near her which is handy, but the local sorceress guards are simply too much for me so I withdraw back to Majula. Interestingly, Chloanne is here too now - and it turns out she is blacksmith Lenigrast's missing daughter.

Taking another path from town leads me to a small jail house where I meet the warrior, Benhart of Jugo. Apparently he can't advance since the lever is stuck. Stuck because a person got turned to stone right in front of it. There have been a few petrified people around, and it requires a special item to release them. Since I had one I freed the woman, who introduced herself as Rosibeth - apprentice mage to the great Carhillion. Can't be that great if he couldn't unpetrify his own student. That and/or he's a dick.

After giving her some better rags I send her off to Majula and pull the lever which opens ALL the jail doors. Zombie swarm! Yeah, that didn't go well for me. Much better on the second attempt. Beyond the jail was a crossroad with two paths leading to locked doors and one into a misty forest of cheaters. Cheaters who have the same color as the fog. My best defense? No defense! Just sprinting!

I can't see them, but they sure can see me!

Dark Souls II: Poison Peak

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Within those woods I find Creighton the axe man who was locked up in a hut by Merciless Roenna, whose name doesn't suit her at all if she takes prisoners. Guess she had some sort of kinky thing going on there - didn't bother asking while killing her. Anyway, Creighton blames Pate for his current predicament and after warning me about the soap giver, heads off to hunt him while I continue on my way.

The forest gives way to cliff side caves with skeletons that self revive. Having seen this at the catacombs before I know better, and take down the annoying necromancers that reanimate those bones. In no time at all I am again at a boss chamber, this one occupied by THREE skeleton lords. Fortunately they're slow, but they are still irritating in that slaying one summons a mob of skelies into the chamber (including a pair of those irritating wheel riding ones). With careful sprints between cover my bastard sword lays them all to waste and it's just my first go. Hah, I'm getting better!

You're gonna need a bigger army.

Past them the path leads up into the mountains, and to poison filled moats of doom. Chloanne the stone trader is here, and she must be pretty stoned herself to be hanging around this death trap. I push forward through some mines, careful to avoid the poison tunnels below, and straight to a large fortress called Earthen Peak, where apparently they store poison in large jars. WTF is wrong with these people?