Orphan Black: Echoes and The Vow

A pale copy and a slow film.

Orphan Black: Echoes

In this single season series continuation of Orphan Black, cloning is still highly illegal and yet here come more clones! While it may have been an OK series on its own, the fact that it basically covers the same ground as the original without being as good already puts problems on it. I do applaud them for finding a way for lead actress Krysten Ritter to not have the insane work load Tatiana Maslany had in the original but I feel they really needed to be more trigger happy in offing characters. The fact that it got cancelled while ending on a cliffhanger just solidifies my recommendation to skip this pale immitation of the original. As an aside, this must win one of the worst opening songs ever.

The Vow

After a car accident, the marriage of the victims (played by Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams) is tested as the wife loses all memory of her time with the husband - gravitating towards the different person she was before they met. You can already imagine what complications that could entail and I'd say 80% of the first things you may think of happen here. There are few interest grabbing segments in a sea of a glacially paced drama which makes this an easy skip, even if you like the premise, genre or actors.  

Cagaster of an Insect Cage and The Lost City

Shows about love?

Cagaster of an Insect Cage

In this one season anime, nothing makes sense. That's a great start isn't it? There's a virus that causes people to randomly transform into zombies giant man-eating dragonfly type bugs and we are told in the introduction that these critters are impervious to bullets, blades and tank shells with the only opportune time of slaying a person undergoing the change (so still mostly humanoid) to be in the first 20 minutes, via decapitation.

In the very next scene, we see a lone soldier take down a giant dragonfly with a sword and shotgun, and soon after learn there are entire tank brigades dedicated to fighting the bugs. What? Interesting take on having the protagonist being a potential child rapist too, but its ok because the 14 year old says "yes" at the end of the series. Love always wins! Yay? So um, yeah. Sorry for the spoiler but its not a great story and only OK art and action means I'm going to not recommend this one.

The Lost City (2022)

When a burnt out romance writer (Sandra Bullock) winds up being kidnapped it is up to her slow-witted cover model (Channing Tatum) to mount a rescue attempt. For an action adventure comedy this movie certainly hits all of those themes pretty well, and while the plot is mostly predictable it was still quite entertaining and ultimately much better than I was anticipating as I got invested in multiple characters right away, even the bad guy (there are some duds though)! Turned out to be a decent watch. Good choice wifey. :)

Dog and The Head Hunter

Two movies unrelated to Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Dog (2022)

A soldier (played by Channing Tatum) benched due to his PTSD and documented TBI eagerly tries to get back in the fight, but is first tasked to take a military dog, just as broken as he is, to his handler's funeral. Shenanigans ensue, but are they interesting? Mildly. Alas, that's not enough for me to recommend this.

The Head Hunter

This fantasy horror movie soley focuses on a warrior hermit and titular Head Hunter (Cristopher Rygh) who is summoned via horn call and given jobs through scrolls attached to arrows to go slay beasts in the kingdom. His level of isolation makes me wonder if this was a COVID film?

Anyway, he's pretty good at it based on his trophy collection BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT... almost all combat is off screen. You hear it, but don't see it as he literally leaves and comes back bloodied. It's kind of annoying. Just like that silly window in his cabin. An interesting experiment for sure, but not one I'd actively recommend unless you're looking for something "different".

White House (X) has Fallen

Saving the president in four action movies!

White House Down

When terrorists attack the White House, rejected bodyguard hopeful (Channing Tatum) somehow becomes the only one capable of saving the President... but he has to save his own daughter too! Much less serious than the next few movies (below) with mostly bloodless deaths and tons of humor, this action flick is very entertaining for what it is. Even the bad guys have quirky personalities which make it all the more enjoyable. Recommended if you need a light, fun, no-brainer flick for the evening. Two and a half "cool" President's carrying rocket launchers out of five.

Olympus has Fallen

When terrorists attack the White House, disgraced agent Mike Banning (Gerard Butler) somehow becomes the only one capable of saving the President... as violently as possible! The body count and violence in this film almost makes White House Down look child friendly - and at the same time makes this even more epic as Agent Banning methodically takes down the bad guys at a good pace. It does portray the President as a bit of an idiot though. Three and a half broken protocols out of five.

I wonder if he's friends with Jack Bauer...

London has Fallen

A state funeral in London is the perfect place for angry terrorists to murder many leaders of the world. Luckily Agent Banning (Gerard Butler) is still on duty to protect the President against this threat as he continues to add to his kill count while flaunting heavy plot-armor. Seriously, if you have superior numbers shooting down a narrow alleyway and you fail to repel the enemy force - you deserve what's coming to you. Two and a half drone strikes out of five.

Angel has Fallen

An attack on the President frames Agent Banning (Gerard Butler) as the guilty party. Now on the run, he has to both kill the bad guys, prove his innocence, AND continue to save the President with his epic fugitive time management skills. No surprises plot wise but still a nice flick where the dumb bad guys get what's coming to them. Three awesome acting babies out of five.

GI JOE: Rise and Retaliation

This is a double review for the GI JOE movies which I'm putting together for ease of comparison.

In "Rise of the Cobra" an arms dealer with a score to settle sets in motion a spree of violent attacks and general terrorism on the world. Good thing the elite fighting force known as the GI Joes are there to save the day. The plot mainly follows Duke (Channing Tatum) as he first learns about both Cobra (the bad guys) and the Joes, the latter of which he joins after an "intense" training/testing montage. Part of his training involves some super futuristic body armor that for some reason IS ONLY USED BY THE NEW GUYS. What? There's also a shooting test which seems to be pretty tough to pass. The Joes only take the best you see. Guess they had a lull in recruitment at one point since all the non-named Joes can't hit a barn door.

Not as colorful as their cartoon counterparts.

Cobra on the other hand have awesome bullet proof armor and freaking energy weapons. Too bad that the armor only protects them against the weapons of non-named characters. If Snake Eyes decides to shoot them with his desert eagle, or throw a shuriken at them the armor is useless. Actually I'm not sure why the rest of the team was required at all as Snake Eyes pretty much handles everything himself. That said there are good FX, good action sequences (especially from the flashback kid actors), to make it pretty decent entertainment. I give it three bullets out of five.

In "Retaliation", everything takes a downward spiral. Both the Joes and Cobra lost almost all their high tech gear for more standard issue stuff (though there are very nice vehicles added in). The previous Joe team is mostly replaced by new and mostly less interesting characters too (other than Dwayne Johnson's Roadblock), and while Snake Eyes is still around his introduction arc is very off-beat and he is no longer as useful plot wise as he suffers from a repeated theme in this movie where "Ninjas are Stupid". I suppose Cobra's engineers must also be ninja descendants because their major plan has a pretty big design flaw, outside the plot holes that you will be poking at. Not sure what happened to this movie but I give it only one and a half bullets out of five.