Dark Souls III: Physics Breaker

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Beyond the Church I arrived at the chamber of the sleeping princess, who wasn't so much sleeping and more long dead. Poking her destroyed the illusion that is the Ringed City (much like I heard that if you poke Gwynevere you reveal the true "dark" Anor Londo in the first Dark Souls) and left me standing in a massive desert of ash and ruin. Apart from one of the Princess' Knights who I put down, the only other one here is Gael... having grown to a massive size by cannibalizing the "people" here. He then turns to me with murderous intent.

The boss fight against Gael is certainly one of the "prettiest" in the series, with the physics defying knight flying in unexpected angles as he attacks. I only attempt two practice runs to read his basic set before summoning sunbro DogHow and S***A to assist. They are clearly experts at the fight and we have no problems as Gael switches to his even more beautiful phase 2 and phase 3 sequences, ultimately slaying the old slave knight with no friendly casualties. Thanks guys!

A picture cannot capture how awesome this fight is.

This just leaves one mysterious boss fog I found in an earlier secret passage which I couldn't enter. At first I thought it to be a bug, but it turns out there was a pre-requisite to open it first... defeat the dragon on the bridge.

Dark Souls III: Yhormine, Aldrich!

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Stout and tough.

After that little break I figured it's time to try fight bosses again, starting with Yhorm. Since my axe had a significant reach disadvantage I decided to upgrade a great sword, like the one I used in Drangleic, specifically for this battle. Turns out I shouldn't have bothered, because I have a surprise assistant this time around: Ser Chubby! He's here to fulfill a promise to his old friend, Yhorm and boy can he hold his own.

The epic fight ensues!

Apparently there's a new mechanic of "weapon skills" that I've been totally missing out on, but Ser Chubby's a master at it - using his wind sword to smack Yhorm around and leaving the giant open to cheap shots from me. Unfortunately Yhorm slays Ser Chubby during the battle, but is weak enough for me to finish off with my great sword. I take Ser Chubby back to Firelink for a proper burial using my sword as his grave marker.

I hate that arrow attack.

While here, I find Greirat has returned from his raid - selling a whole slew of new items. The kleptomaniac wants to raid Irithyll valley next so I let him go for it, while I return to Anor Londo to take down Petrus Aldrich. It takes a few attempts to work out that I can actually out pace his arrow storm, that he is weak in melee, and that his tail takes increased damage from my axe. Indeed, towards the end his only unblockable attack is using too much FX that makes me crash - but that just means I have to focus more on offense - discarding my shield and two handing the axe for maximum damage. Once I had that all down, he got ownzored.

Dark Souls III: Disconnect

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De ja vu.

After using a familiar rotating tower I'm back looking at the palace of Anor Londo, only this time the knights are the ones guarding the place. It takes some practice to slay the first pair (at once), and there in his old side room I find the corpse of the friendly giant blacksmith. At least there's some advantage to having been here before, as I know exactly where the mechanism is to open the main door in the now pitch black hall guarded by fire cultists, like the ones in the Cathedral of the Deep.

I'm definitely glad I ran back out towards the bonfire after opening it though, because said cultists brought their terrifying furry pet with them! Yep, the massive spider chased me all the way down the stairs and ... into an invisible wall? Hurrah for flawed AI! Thanks to that barrier I just arrowed the beast to death. Yes it took long, but it was worth it.

Vengeance!

With a relatively clear run to the Smough and Ornstein's old boss room where someone rebuilt all those non-weight bearing pillars, I soon find myself facing Petrus Aldrich, who has eaten so many things he's now a sludge like beast that happens to use  a whole slew of attacks: the favourites of mine are the magic missile lights (which track) and the instadeath arrow volley which you can take cover from in phase 1, but not in phase 2, which also happens to follow you as you run around the room. Hope you have enough stamina! Lol. I recruit Myria (player) to try assist me here but midfight I crash out due to all the special FX Aldrich is using which is really annoying. Looks like I'll have to do this solo. Sorry about that Myria! :(

Dark Souls III: Not so Uplifting

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With the uplifting turn of events last time, I return to the Pontiff's church and just try solo him to learn his moves. While I die a couple of times it finally dawns on me that his big movements and good range aren't very good against someone right up beside him. With that in mind, I lured him to the entry way which is slightly tighter than the rest of the area to prevent him moving "away", and caned his scrawny butt. Even his phantom perished due to the close quarters and the wide arc of my axe. Solo victory!

Where's your god now?

Beyond him was a plaza full of giants an a very familiar place in the distance, but before I could advance I was invaded by Asfdg (player) whom I caned, most likely because he was lagging. I didn't get to slay him though, that honor went to Catharina (player) of the Dark Moon who arrived to defend me. Basically she just did a final backstab to finish him off. Thanks Catharina and no hard feelings Asfdg. If it makes you feel better I was soon invaded by two more of Aldrich's Faithful (players) who slaughtered me.

I didn't really mind though because I was too much in shock of where I was running - Anor Londo! My suicide scouting run showed me where to go, and how to avoid the many Anor Londo knight archers on the rooftops (yep they paid homage to that), and soon I found myself if the old Darkmoon Tomb where Gwyndolin was before (apparently he's one of Aldrich's victims). Now all I find are the corpses of the Knight Firekeeper lady, a pilgrim, and Anri's corpse used in some sacrificial rite. So much for being uplifting.

That looks... fatal.

Dark Souls III: Road Blocks

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Since Yhorm trounced me I am inspired to infuse my new axe with a "heavy" gem, which weakens the axe a little but takes a larger percentage of my character's strength for bonus damage. For those that play Mabinogi, its a similar methology to the 222 Broadsword which is fantastic in the hands of high level dex monkeys but terrible for everyone else. My new weapon doesn't phase Yhorm at all though, and he sends me packing just as fast as last time.

Damnit! Distracted by chest! :P

Instead I decide to explore the sewer underneath Irithyll City, which turns out to be just one big room full of white spider bug things. They are easily slain and nowhere as scary as the hairy one at the Cathedral. I then find myself in a nice gallery of screenshots artwork from the previous games, guarded by a trio of Anor Londo knights! Fortunately my upgraded axe makes up for my lack of parrying!

A couple of opened short cuts later and I an back at an earlier bonfire but now with a clear path to the Church dwelling boss, slender man Pontiff Sulyvahn - a tall dual sword wielder with fantastic reach and speed. Since this is the first place I see summon signs I try bring help in the form of Marcoh78, Eurion and Boro of Irithyll (players) but none can enter the boss fog for some reason. Thanks anyway guys!

Everything keeps stabbing me!

Best I could do was get him to half HP, which triggered his second skill of creating a phantom of himself who could do all the same moves and unlike the Crystal Sage's illusions, the phantom didn't die in one hit. Frustrated, I headed back to Firelink Shrine to consider my options.

Dark Souls III: Hurrah for Vengeance

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Looks like the peaceful drider died anyway.

Surprisingly the caverns continue for quite a ways down past the old demon king - home to more evil monkeys, demon flamethrowers and the cute frogs. During my exploration I manage to collect a number of pyromancy tomes for Corynx too - one from the corpse of a very familiar looking pale drider. I am very surprised to run into Knightslayer Tsorig again down here - I guess the old demon managed to posses his corpse and due to his two hander hitting like a truck, I opted to run - right into the sword wielding Anor Londo knight (possibly the same one from the swamp)!

Lucky for me the two decided to attack each other, with the Anor Londo knight defeating Tsorig. Since he was badly hurt in his duel he was easy to put down. I also found out why Tsorig had such good DPS - he was wielding the Fume Knight's greatsword. I don't even have the stats to wield that thing. A number of ladders and skeleton wheel guys later, I finally reach the bloody ballista and turn it off. Hurrah for vengeance!

That is a huge ballista.

Satisfied that this area was now clear, I warped back to the bridge leading to Irithyll city only to be attacked by a dragon dog who can turn invisible!? Oh, this again huh. The AI on this one is pretty easy to abuse though, as luring it back the way I came makes is freeze and vanish (but not recover HP). A few repeats of this leads to its demise, granting me free passage into the snowy city.

Another pretty place!

Dark Souls III: Marathon Man

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While at Firelink Shrine I purchase a sewer key being sold by the hag. Makes me wonder if she goes around locking all these doors just to make a profit. Anyway, after slaying the mandatory rats (same ones from before since it's the same sewer) I unlock a side grate and find the nun prisoner Irina, who offers to train miracles in exchange for freedom. Sure! This makes her guard, the gargoyle helm guy named Eygon, a bit annoyed but he suggests he will be an ally as long as I keep Irina safe. Safe like... keeping her locked up somewhere you psycho?

Anyway, the path forward was then to go to the tunnel under the sniper cathedral - guarded by a scary frost knight. Since he was too dangerous I lured him into an adjoining room and just ran past into the nearby forest, which turns out to be the home to a huge flock of wereharpy hollows. Not so bad if you kill them before they grow their wings but when they are "flight-enabled" they are quite annoying. I also put down a madwoman with a giant knife in the area.

Anri and Horace. You never see their faces.

In the bonfire clearing just past that I meet the knights Horace and Anri who apparently are on the same quest I am - to return the Lords of Cinder to their thrones. Good to know I'm not the only one! They offer me to join the Blue Sentinels but I decline, preferring to be protected rather than be the one doing the protecting. They are gone after I rest at the bonfire, so I continue alone into the next area - a swamp. At least it's not poisonous, it's just inhabited by crabs. The small ones are ok, but the giant ones I soon learn to avoid.

I also encounter a lone, sword wielding, Anor Londo Knight in one of the ruins - and knowing my parrying skill (as a player) is long gone I opt to flee to another set of ruins which is home to more hollows, and on the path beyond I find a Crystal Sage. This magic based boss relies on teleportation for movement which leaves him open for a lot of attacks, but once I got him to 50% he began using mirror images too and that proved to be my undoing. Sigh.

That's a pretty big hat. I wonder if this was Grigg's master?

Dark Souls II: Creepy Crawlies

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It's the poison that kills me... really?

Equipped with the rings I bought from the cat, I return to the misty lion man ruin and manage to talk to the previously silent man scorpion who introduces himself as Tark, possibly once known as Tarkus until something bad happened to him in Anor Londo. Apparently he wants me to help him slay his female counterpart who I had previously run into. Lucky for me he comes along to assist and on our second attempt (I misjudged the aggro swapping on the first one) we manage to slay her. Tark is satisfied and returns to his domain while I push on to a strange cavern full of locked doors which I quickly run out of keys for.

The place is guarded by slow moving elephant knights and ... really big dwarves(?) who are easy enough to run past. Eventually I emerge at a deep valley and after fighting through a small army camp I make my way down some dark, spider infested caves into a church where I have to slay a whole bunch of hollows and their magic wielding priest.

Oh, hell no.

Lower down is the continuation of the town, and it is absolutely infested with the poisonous arachnids (and some man-spiders), to the point that they start coming in swarms. Good thing the bastard sword has a wide sweeping arc attack which is effective at small group extermination. The lowest building seems to be where they are coming from, and I soon find out why: it's their lair.

Dark Souls: What Goes Around

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I found the lady who ruled this painting in the final tower, beyond the dragon's bridge. She was quite enchanting and surprisingly, not hostile. Apparently this world was one of peace - except since I didn't belong, everything was hostile (to me). She begged that I simply leave her and her citizens alone, and since she was so polite about it I accepted - returning to Anor Londo.

Diplomacy success!

Feeling sufficiently powered up I decided it was time to return to the Kiln of the First Flame for a rematch with Gwyn. He still slammed me on the first attempt but it was then I found his weakness: I could parry his giant flaming sword. And so, without much fuss, I counter-stabbed his crotch repeatedly and killed the "Lord of Cinder".

Right in the crotch - just like I practiced.

A bonfire waited behind him for me to "link the flame". And what, become the next Lord of Cinder? No thanks. With a 180 degree turn I marched right out of there where Frampt and his fellow sock puppets all bowed before me. Hah! I am their new Dark Lord, and now I have the power to do ANYTHING!!! BWAHAHAHAHA... ha... wait a minute...

They threw me back into the Undead Asylum.

Welcome to NG+.

Dark Souls: Highest Calling

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Despite being wounded, Kalameet managed to incinerate me a few times before I worked out what I was doing wrong: having fear! Staying away from the beast only encouraged it to use the full array of its arsenal. Bravery (and a little luck) was all I needed to finally slay the black dragon. Gough was pleased and thought I'd make a fine knight.

Yeah, I had him right where I wanted him! *cough*

Inspired I then returned to Undead Berg for a rematch against the red dragon of the bridge where after a bunch more firey deaths it was again bravery (charging it as soon as it landed) that resulted in victory! For the full trifecta I then went down to the ugly poison dragon in the valley I stole stuff from previously. He wasn't as mobile as Kalameet or the red one, but he sure could take a beating. At this stage, so could I though - and so it too was slain.

That's some good artwork.

With them gone I took the strange doll from the asylum to the large painting in Anor Londo and promptly got sucked into the wintery cliff fortress. After slaying the expected hollows, spartan hollows, cancer hollows that explode, as well as the odd harpy and skelies and crazy invader King Jeremiah who wears a giant mummy head, I found another poison dragon guarding a lengthy bridge. Since it had strong breath I opted to use Gough's method and sniped it from a lower stairwell. Where he needed only 1 shot, I needed a few (hundred) more - but the end result was the same. I am a dragon slaying knight! Or, at least I like to think so.

Dark Souls: Reading between the Lines

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While bonfire jumping I found Ser Chubby and his daughter reunited at last. She was weeping over his corpse.

Them feels.

Feeling a little more hollow than usual at the sight of Ser Chubby's fate, I mindlessly began bonfire warping and suddenly noticed that around half of the warpable bonfires were next to covenants. One in a lower tomb of Anor Londo struck me as particularly odd since it was a dead end, so I dug through my inventory and found a ring that seemed linked to the place. Putting it on the nearby wall vanished, revealing stairs down to a fog gate.

Upon my approach a voice calls begs for me to stop. He introduces himself as Gwyndolin, youngest son of Gwyn. He warns that I shouldn't cross the threshold for mortals shouldn't defile Gwyn's tomb. Wait, hang on a minute - I just fought Gwyn. The voice offers me to be a guardian of Anor Londo, to protect the city and the illusion of his sister. WHAT? Gwynevere is not real?! I'm tempted to go in there but since he is so polite and technically not a threat, I opt not to and leave him to guard that mysterious tomb.

He again reiterates I should take his father's place and link the flame though. What the hell does that even mean. I'm starting to question if he's trying to play me - maybe the Kiln is Gwyn's prison? As I ponder this back at Firelink Shrine a helpful player message suggests I can jump from a cliff to the higher ruin where the giant raven has been waiting this whole time. Curious, I curl up into a ball in its nest (because I guess I'm going insane) and after a few minutes it swoops in and brings me...

Back to the Undead Asylum where I started! Makes sense. :P

Don't you have Hobbits to deliver to Mt. Doom or something?

Dark Souls: Lord Vessel

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After that super easy fight against Smough and Ornstein (yeah right), I find myself rewarded by meeting Princess Gwynevere, daughter or King Gwyn who is huge in all the right places! She gives me the Lord Vessel and asks I serve her as a princess guard, I don't hesitate to say yes. Because I'm an idiot like that. She then tells me to return to the sock puppet, Kingseeker Frampt, and to take her father's place. "Yes, your highness!".

These player messages are great.

The Lord Vessel is pretty handy too, it lets me warp to almost any bonfire I've lit so in a flash I'm back at Firelink Shrine getting eaten by the sock puppet. Wait what? It's ok - he was just transporting me to the altar below which use unlocks four orange fog gates via cut scene, behind which are located the four lord souls I'd be needing. That's what Frampt tells me anyway, before bringing me back top side.

I notice that Ser Dick is gone, but a new merchant is now semi-hiding on the aqueduct bridge. From this fellow I purchase Ornstein's armor, which not only looks cool - it makes for very functional "scout" gear. Havel's set would still be my go to from bosses though, and since I only knew where one of those orange fog doors were, I headed there first: back to Anor Londo and up to the library known as the Duke's Archives.

A pair of armored boars guarded the passage leading to it, and there was no fire to let them run into this time. However, just like in a bed time story my dad used to tell me I ran between two trees (actually an iron fence and a pillar) where the boars got stuck and easily poked them to death with a spear.

The Uglaboogs method works again!

Dark Souls: Back to the Great Swamp

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With the backing of a stronger bonfire I decided to return to Undead Berg to check on the doors I couldn't open before. I also tried fighting the red dragon again and just got roasted. Lol. I did find a path leading to "Lower Undead Berg" though, which I had completely missed before. It was populated mostly by hounds and assassin hollows who were at this point no match for me. It also had a hag who sold handy posion coated stuff!

This is one of the few games where you can literally buy shit.

After rescuing a novice mage named Griggs (apprentice of the Big Hat guy) and defeating a bigger twin weilding demon I found a door to the sewers which was inhabited by undead rats, yucky slimes, and cute, big-eyed frogs. I also rescued a pyromancer named Laurentius "of the great swamp" who had somehow gotten stuck in an urn. Towards the bottom of the whole place was a big arena, and unsurprisingly home to the resident boss critter the Gaping Dragon. Fortunately Solaire had also returned from Anor Londo and was present to assist!

Poking from the back: the "go to" method for most of these bosses.

While the dragon did thrash my ally who I suppose had to go back to a bonfire to recover, I got to see its very limited move set which rendered the rest of the fight very simple. Beyond him was a deep well leading to... Blighttown. Again? Since I hadn't been on this side yet I figured I'd clear it all the way down to the swamp. Those poison dart guys are annoying. Interestingly, once I got to the bottom, Shiva was no longer there. Ser Chubby was though, and was in dire need of anti-poison moss. Lucky for him I had a few spares.

Dark Souls: The Murderer

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I was pleased to find not just a bonfire in the first room I opened, but also my old comrade Solaire resting here. He's not the only knight here either as the place is crawling with the same type I trained against at the Berg (which is handy for me). I even save Ser Chubby from a room with five of them at one point, on my first try! Having pretty much the run of the place I explore it fully, finding Havel's armor, open shortcuts to the outside, find a friendly giant blacksmith, and make my way to the main hall for what could only be the boss battle.

Except one of the cracked orbs I carried shook in that hall, and using it I discovered that the murderer - Lautrec was nearby. Of course I went for him first! He and his two cronies were too much to handle though, especially since Lautrec's curved knives ignored my shield. So I did the only logical thing: I farmed souls, went back to Ser Sad, and purchased 47 black fire bombs. Yes, I exploded the hell out of Lautrec and his pals. I also retrieved the fire keeper's soul from his corpse.

The long stairways seemed designed for this!

Ser Sad was kind enough to inform me that I was doomed though, because even the mighty adventurers Big Hat and Iron Tarkus were defeated at Anor Londo. What!? Tarkuuuuus! Filled with righteous fury after Lautrec's defeat I then marched into the boss battle to find not one, but TWO enemies - whom I think have one of the best prebattle cutscenes so far. Smough the slow(ish) smasher and Ornstein the spry and still pretty powerful lancer. I don't think I got one of them below 90% life before they slaughtered me.

Impending death...

Rather than hit my head against this wall I figured I'd go do something else first. :P

Dark Souls: Sunlight City

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I finally reach the top of the fortress where I find not only a bonfire, but a very depressed merchant knight - Ser Sad. Not sure how he gets his wares given you need to "jump" to him, but he has some pretty nice stuff! I also find assistance in the form of Iron Tarkus, a heavy knight who first slays one of the giants who resides up here (the ones I've just been running away from), followed by almost soloing the Iron Golem boss!

Tarkus must be super high level.

Upon its defeat I am swarmed by flying demon things that decide to carry me up the mountain to the edge of Anor Londo. Apparently they also serve as transport back down if I need it, which is a really awkward way to travel. This beautiful place has gigantic sentries watching my every move, but they are nice enough to let me pass if I leave them (and whatever they are guarding) alone.

So pretty...

While it's pretty clear where I'm meant to be headed, I am detoured into a building full of assassin's creed cosplayers with a giant painting I can't interact with. Passed them is the way to the main building but of course the main doors are sealed. I have to go around and fight the same flying demons who were my transport to get through. Ironically, knocking them off a ledge makes them fall to their deaths. Guess I hit them so hard they forgot they could fly?

A number of deaths awaited me just after though, as the narrow path leading towards the building was well defended by a pair of archer knights, who shoot arrows the size of ballista bolts and covered not just my approach but each other. Eventually I was zen enough to blind dodge (via timing) the arrow coming from the back while dealing with the knight in front. One balcony jump later and I found myself in the palace! Woo!

Dark Souls: Kingseeker's Deathtrap

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The mysterious death of the lava giant causes a good chunk of the caldera to solidify and be "survivably" traversable. Unfortunately the zone is home to a whole bunch of demons and while I manage to kill -one- it takes too much time and too many resources, especially as there are like six more behind him? Yeah, I decide to get out of there - purchasing a uchigatana from Shiva at Blighttown so I don't leave empty handed.

That's one ugly sock puppet.

I arrive back at Firelink to find the mute girl is dead, Lautrec is missing, and both Petrus and Ser Dick are as useless as ever. In the nearby ruin I also meet Kingseeker Frampt, the ugliest sock puppet ever, who tells me to go to Anor Londo to retrieve "the Lord Vessel" - something that can hold gigantic souls. Filled with purpose I head to the gates of Sen's Fortress (I wonder if there's any relation with Sen Mag dungeon from Mabinogi) which serves as the path to Anor Londo. Due to his absence I assume Ser Chubby forged ahead once that gate opened so I follow suit, only to find the entire place is a fricking death trap!

Blade pendulums: Check!

Apart from the reasonably tough lizardmen guarding the place, the layout is filled with narrow ledges with blade pendulums, dart shooting pressure plates, giant boulders rolling down various corridors, and chests that are actually really strong and freaky mimics! Since the bottom, flooded level (where you fall to if you goof up on the ledges) is inhabited by a number of those stone headless lightning things I decided that up is the way to go.