Dark Souls: Queelag and the Lava Giant

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

It's not long before I'm drawn to the horribly large spidery looking thing at one edge of the swamp. It's a lair, and judging from the hollows lying on the ground with large egg sacks growing from their bodies, I wasn't going to like what was inside. If you guessed it was a lava spitting drider named Queelag, then you've obviously played this game before. I am joined by Maneater Mildred in this battle, apparently she was very impressed by my thrusting last time and didn't want me thrusting any other females. I am sad to say she got bathed in lava. To be fair, so did I.

Man, I'd hate to see what happens if she farts.

It took a few attempts but eventually the drider is slain and the bell right behind her is rung which prompts a cutscene of a giant opening a familiar looking gate where Ser Chubby is. How I saw this in the spider lair, I have no idea. Deeper in the walls are covered in egg sacs, and one of those egg carrier bastards asks if I've come as a servant. I say no and promptly kill the hideous creature and the maggots which burst forth from his cancerous eggs (eww) since he was blocking the way to another bonfire.

A bonfire right beside another drider! Fortunately this one is peaceful and while I am super tempted to slay her, it's obvious that she is the fire keeper of this flame so I leave her be and follow another tunnel which exits into the Demon Ruins. The place is flooded with lava so there's not much to explore here. That is until I piss off the resident lava giant. Knowing I can't fight him (and survive) I decide to flee. The big guy leaps after me and misses, so I whack at his hand a little and he falls off the edge and ... dies? What?

Oh no, I'm falling into the lava... despite being made of lava... what?

Skyrim: Crazy Cats

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

There's no cat like Skullcat!

Turns out the Khajiit's of Elswyr also submitted to the Thalmor after the White Gold Concordat was signed, but this particular group were rebels which made me really happy. After clearing the woods of some mini dinosaurs and huge spiders, Bo, Sofia and I were given an airship whith Khulam the telepath khajiit navigator and Skull Cat the khajiit pirate to stop a small Thalmor incursion (with their Igma, monkey allies) into the jungle which culminates in airborne boarding! Sofia executes their commander in his quarters.

Airship boarding!

After beating up some argonian pirates we also handle their other problem in the form of a fat Sload who wants to eat everything. He's stupid enough to get us to find food for him though which gives an easy opportunity to poison and subsequently kill him while he is weakened. Oh, and he had some sort of viral bomb which we "disarmed" (by killing an infected dinosaur) too.

Fat bastard.

With that done and the rebellion trully underway here it's time to bid farewell to my new crazy cat friends and head back to Skyrim. I'm going to miss them.

Aww... I'm going to miss them a lot!

Our first stop upon getting back was my house where Rayya had made absolutely ZERO progress in decorating it. Where the hell is all my gold going you incompetent steward? Anyway, since that is going nowhere I decide to convert the alchemy lab in my Riften property into some children's bedrooms to adopt two little girls: Sofie the flower seller at Windhelm and Lucia the beggar Whiterun. I think Njada would have liked that. And at least here, they get to play with the other kids at the orphanage.

So strange. So strange.

Dark Souls: Down, Down to Blighttown

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

With seemingly nowhere else to go in the forest, I returned to Firelink Shrine and was pleased that Lautrec (whom I had freed earlier) was now here and thankful to be free. Petrus was still waiting for his group, and Ser Dick reminded me ringing only one bell is meaningless. Thanks Ser Dick. Since I now had a divine rapier I decided to retry that graveyard and was pleased that I could now defeat the skeletons residing there. Alas the skeletons in the catacombs further in had a skill I wasn't expecting: they'd get back up with full HP. That was enough to send me running and looking for a new place to explore.

Also, if the divine weapon doesn't connect it doesn't really help...

I ended up choosing to venture into the ogre cave, discovering they aren't so hard to defeat after all being so open to counters and backstabs. They also make looting shit very literal. Still, the tunnel opens up into a massive underground slum called Blighttown where pretty much everything tries to poison you. The giant mosquitoes, giant leeches, ugly spider things, blowdart guys, even the floor when you reach it is a poisonous swamp (which coincidentally slows your movement). What a wonderful place. I wonder if it is connected to where the monsters from Dragon Age spawn from... Interestingly, Shiva the Ninja is here too - selling overpriced gear.

In one of the cisterns I am "invaded" (the not so good side about quasi-multiplayer thing) by Maneater Mildred who thankfully is an NPC since a) no one would intentionally name their character that and b) she opted to use a ladder instead of take a six foot drop. This led to an easy victory as I could basically stab her butt while she was stuck on the ladder. After resting at the local bonfire I get my more of my anti-venom moss ready (thanks spriggans) before heading out to explore the rest of this horrible zone.

Weakness: Woman therefore try rear!

Skyrim: Moonpath

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

After dropping off the Elder Scroll at Whiterun (which in hindsight is silly, I should leave it with the Dawnguard) the town once again came under a bandit attack, this time with Morag Tong in tow. I let Bo lead the guards while I observed from the parapets. The enemy had no chance, inflicting zero friendly casualties. While inspecting the battlefield I happened to come across an inebriated and almost naked lady asleep on the hay in the stables.

Lol!

Waking her up, she introduces herself as Sofia and pretty much insists on being my stalker joining the party. Bo has no issues with this so I give her some of my previously acquired gear and head out to Falkreath where I've been informed of a visiting Khajiit caravan. The cat couple who run it are about to head back to their home of Elswyr, and since I could use a vacation from the cold, we all tag along.

The resident beast of burden.

It's a decent journey, with stops to clear a bandit blockade (Khajiit bandits ofcouse) South of Riverhold and a detour around a broken bridge at the edge of the woods but soon we reach the Heart of the Tenmar Forest where the Pahmar (talking tigers) welcome us and give us a cool canopy home, complete with talking tiger guards! Of course they had problems of their own and were counting on us to help them.

She asks the important questions... :P

Dark Souls: Cats and Dogs

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

I am surprised to find the next section of forest guarded by people (not hollows)! It takes some adjusting to get used to their combos but with the handy bonfire I eventually have them down well enough to progress towards the ruined tower they are guarding, and it's sole inhabitant: a talking cat! The kitty is the leader of the "forest hunter" covenant (group) and invites me to join in a convoluted "ye olde" way of talking. I accept after learning it means the rest of the clan outside will stop being hostile to me! Win! :)

Alvinia - one sinister looking cat.

After briefly chatting to their field commander, Shiva of the East (I suppose he's a ninja?), I am free to go even further into the woods coming across a small colony of the cutest mushroom people ever. Since they aren't hostile I just leave them alone and push on until I reach a strange circular graveyard across a bridge. Upon examining a gigantic sword in the center, I am attacked by the biggest wolf ever, who so happens to be able to wield said gigantic sword.

Drop! I said Drop! Uh oh...

Sif (the wolf) proceeds to thrash me a couple of dozen times before I give up and follow a winding path down to Darkroot Basin. After beating another knight and a few crystal golems I am dissuaded from hanging around by the powerful water breath of a nearby (like, rifle range nearby) hydra. Instead I opt to go into what looks to be the base of a stone tower and run smack into Club Knight again. I'm much stronger both level and equipment wise now though, and even more adept at parrying so this time I win. I take his pretty awesome ring which lets you carry heavier stuff and learn his name was Havel.

Good night, club knight!

Feeling confident with the win I make the trek back to Sif and... promptly get thrashed again. Lol.

Skyrim: The Lifeless Vaults

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

The theme set by that steam dragon continues in this dark place which really lives up to its name. Nothing down here is "alive", but there are plenty of automatons looking to kill us. Not just the usual ones either: there are flying "Empress" types, "Hollow Sentries" and a variety of unique "boss" robots who wait it small arenas with closed doors. A lever opens the door, but one must then sprint through before the door closes, and some doors are blocked with intense fog and flame meaning you can't see what's on the other side...

Often because the things on the other side generate intense flames and fog!

Bo and I split up often in this dungeon to cover more ground. She rather handily takes care of all the little adds while I handle the arenas, trap hallways and boss chambers. This place is impressive and full of combat.

Combat and Parkour!

Ultimately none of the defenses stop us from reaching the Elder Scroll though, and while I am glad for the victory I am also slightly concerned that my previously 900+ damage weapon has degraded to the 130 range. Still more than enough for regular adventuring.

More than enough for you, hammer-axe robot!

Dark Souls: Jolly Cooperation

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Feeling brave with a closer bonfire I decided to head back to that church and beat up the hollows guarding it. The mage on the second floor was a bit scary, but by fighting everything else out of his field of view he had no backup when I got to him. Near the back I found and freed another knight in cool gold armor: Ser Lautrec of Carim, but the main event was on the roof where a pair of gargoyles blocked my path. Good thing Solaire was there to back me up! :D

Jolly Cooperation!

With him tanking the gargs this fight was pretty easy. Upon their defeat Solaire went on his merry way while I finally reached the bell tower and rang the first bell. Woo! This summoned a creepy guy called Oswald but he didn't do much else apart from "offer to pardon my sins" and laugh like an insane person... something he shares with almost everyone else I've talked to actually.

He mentions that Cleric Petrus is also drenched in sin...?

Before moving on I notice that Andre the smith is selling something for 20,000 souls. Figuring I would need that item eventually, I camp the church and purchase the strange medallion. Good thing too because I use it to open a door in the next area I go into: Darkroot Forest, home of spriggans, living statues and... a giant moth that shoots magic missiles!? It takes some evading, patience and a few throwing knives but I eventually slay the overgrown bug. Thanks to player left messages (because this game has a cool quasi-online thing happening) I also find a hidden bonfire behind an illusionary wall giving me another save point before venturing deeper into the woods.