Dark Souls: What Goes Around

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

I found the lady who ruled this painting in the final tower, beyond the dragon's bridge. She was quite enchanting and surprisingly, not hostile. Apparently this world was one of peace - except since I didn't belong, everything was hostile (to me). She begged that I simply leave her and her citizens alone, and since she was so polite about it I accepted - returning to Anor Londo.

Diplomacy success!

Feeling sufficiently powered up I decided it was time to return to the Kiln of the First Flame for a rematch with Gwyn. He still slammed me on the first attempt but it was then I found his weakness: I could parry his giant flaming sword. And so, without much fuss, I counter-stabbed his crotch repeatedly and killed the "Lord of Cinder".

Right in the crotch - just like I practiced.

A bonfire waited behind him for me to "link the flame". And what, become the next Lord of Cinder? No thanks. With a 180 degree turn I marched right out of there where Frampt and his fellow sock puppets all bowed before me. Hah! I am their new Dark Lord, and now I have the power to do ANYTHING!!! BWAHAHAHAHA... ha... wait a minute...

They threw me back into the Undead Asylum.

Welcome to NG+.

Dark Souls: The Fourth Knight

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

The bird dropped me off where it originally picked me up, and the place looked exactly how I remembered it. Except there were a few more hollows now. And some of those knight guys. And the floor where I originally fought the fat demon to escape broke underneath me, making me fight ANOTHER fat demon. This one had no chance though as I was far too good now. I was a little sad that I had to slay Sir Estus, now a hostile hollow, but had no such feelings for the other knights who now patrolled the halls.

Here's your reward for helping me at the start...

In my old cell I found a strange doll which mentioned something about a magical painting. I knew exactly where that was! While digging through my pack I also find another key I hadn't used yet so I returned to Artorias' Arena and up some stairs to a locked tower I completely neglected before. Within I found the fourth "elite" knight of the king: Hawkeye Gough, a blind giant who has retired from dragon hunting and instead now makes wooden sculptures.

He talks a bit about the past, and that dragon slaying is the highest calling for any knight (given that Gwyn's army caned almost all of them). He asks if I am hunting the black dragon, Kalameet. I say yes, and the big guy decides to help out - using his great bow to nail the wyrm as it flies along in the distance. It's not dead though, just grounded. It would be up to me to give the coup de grace.

What a shot - especially for a blind guy!

Dark Souls: Sir Estus and the Master Key

Tales from Dark Souls - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

The land is broken. How or why it happened... I don't remember. I don't remember a lot of things after putting on that mask. All I know is that in this place, the undead are corralled to the Northern Asylum where they are locked up to wait for the end of the world. Such is my fate, for apparently I too am undead and each passing day brings me closer to losing what's left of my humanity... but not this day. A strange knight wordlessly dropped "the master key" for me through a hole in the roof of my cell which has bought me my freedom.

After wandering halls with folk further along the path to being "hollow" I finally come to a pair of large doors: the exit! Except it is abruptly blocked by a gigantic, fat demon who serves as the very first boss fight. My broken blade does next to no damage to it but fortunately as a wanderer, I've got some pretty good dodging skills. So good that they accidentally take me through a small side door out of the arena.

Your sacrifice will not be in vain.

This is fortuitous since the new path has better equipment for me to use and actual regular enemies I can practice on. I come across the strange knight again higher up... but he is dying so he gives me his flask which is the primary healing item in this game. I leave Ser Estus (so named because he gave me the Estus flask) and eventually find myself back with the fat demon. Properly armed this time, I falchion his rear to death.

His butt might be scary, but his front is much more dangerous!

Finally outside the walls I head up to a nearby cliff to scout out the surroundings when suddenly a giant raven appears and grabs me in its talons!? Wow. That was a short game.

Skyrim: Non-Starters

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Riften turned out to be a very short stop on my equally short bandit hunting quest. The trail of pushover brigands, some of whom fought each other because one was a werewolf (lol, what was going on there?) I finally found their boss, Fin, beneath the College of Winterhold. It was a short duel, and while he had decent speed I was simply too agile for him.

The surviving mages then told me of the return of the Master Dragons, Alduin's liutenants (who by this tale are a few years too late). Alas compared to the monstrous dragons I've already fought they are but a footnote and were easily hunted and executed. Finally I could get back to Jarling - but upon return to Whiterun I found it under attack by a group of bandits who were soundly being defeated by the guards. I watched with pride as my guardsmen sent them packing. I tailed a few of the good looking survivors back to Riverwood where they agreed to work for me instead of being executed. I got B.T. to join the party while her compatriots Bandit, Marauder and Bo guarded the small village.

It seems dragons come in all colors now...

Back at Whiterun the guards informed me of some Oblivion Gate opening nearby, but when I went to the spot there was nothing there. Looks like once again, they had everything under control! Finally back in town, Belethor let me take a look a new book in his shop - one that transported me to a modern motel with a horror motif. This asylum was indeed quite creepy, complete with mute people blankly staring into space, but with all the locked doors it soon became boring and I teleported my self back to Whiterun to do some actual work.

Why anyone would want a painting of that hanging around is a mystery.

Rise of the Zombies

Oh Asylum Productions, you always make ridiculous movies. Basically stealing from almost every plot point in the zombie series "The Walking Dead", this film follows a ragtag group of zombie apocalypse survivors who are looking for a cure to the undead outbreak. Don't expect any explanations though as the zombies in this movie can't decide if they can sprint, jog, walk, stagger, or simply fall over. Sometimes they can scale unbelievable heights, while a few scenes later a wire fence slightly taller than a man can stop them. Some don't even look that zombie like. One even gets scared off by a dog. What?

Hero of the movie (on the right)!

The "heroes" aren't much better, often doing stupid things like saying "clear" when there are zombies sitting in plain view, throwing live grenades at team mates, ignoring doors that are getting breached by the infected and so on. Wait so are they infected or undead? Do only head shots kill them? I said not to ask! All of these and more get left unanswered! :P Acting wise I think only LeVar Burton (whom trekkies might better know as Geordi La Forge) is the only passable one. Even title actor Danny Trejo seems like he's just there for the paycheck.

There's little gore (not enough to save it) and the ending is somewhat anti-climatic. As much as I like Danny Trejo I'm afraid I can only give this movie one bullet out of five. One bullet, right in the head.