Monday, 13 April 2015

Noah (2014)

Really not like the version you'd probably know.

During the time when the children of Cain were plenty and doing naughty stuff, a man named Noah was chosen by "the creator" to save the innocent while everything else perished with a cleansing flood. While this movie certainly has the tale of Noah's Ark in it, a lot of liberties were added too such as fallen angels (who turned out to be pretty cool) and Noah being a violent and somewhat cold hearted vegetarian who has no problem in -directly- killing people (much like Bale's Moses).

One angry man with an axe.

I didn't really mind that part, since he was going to drown them anyway and was the grandson of a man who once slew an entire army single handedly. Other things I quite liked were the silhouette scenes and how they portrayed the passage of time. Speaking of, apparently Jennifer Connelly's character is the only one immune to aging. That's nothing compared to the other problems though. Like wouldn't the combined animal poop make the ship explode with that many torches? Just kidding.

Ham, the middle son. WTF was going through his head? He remains unsure of everything all the way to the end. I also found it funny that Noah gets an instant-magic forest, but an ark? Oh you'll need to work for that. Lastly the third act was... unpleasant? After the awesome climax of "act 2", making Noah into a villain was... different. I'll give it that, but trying to then redeem him in what seemed to be ten minutes? Nope. Bad script right there. BAD! Have some conviction writers. After what you did to him, it would have been more satisfying had he been executed at that point. Executed slowly.

Much like the animals that boarded his ark in pairs, I give Noah two fiery swords out of five.

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