LISA: Hopes and Dreams

[Part of the Wasted Land story]

With the Bullies all dead, Brad pushes the team forward to chase Lisa - but stop at a nearby Wrestling establishment. Brad has always wanted to be a wrestler, so this is more important than his missing daughter. Brad is a terrible and awful person.

After passing the "test" by intentionally losing his first match, Brad is free to fight in three divisions. Free for all is just party EXP grinding. The solo circuit is easy, but the last match is another "fixed" one where he must lose  the match or lose wrestler privileges, and tag team where he is partnered up with Shocklord who joins the gang once the pair win the title belt!

This game has some really nice fan art!

Victorious, the gang press on, finding another one of Brad's "friends" who sold Lisa out. Brad kills him too, and just like last time is caught unaware when the Joy gang jumps them. Their leader holds out Lisa and makes Brad choose: either he cuts off one of Lisa's nipples, or he'll have his men shoot three of Brad's guys.

Brad chooses to protect the girl, and so Ajeet, Garth and Bo randomly lines up and are mercilessly machined gunned down like ugly, rabid dogs. During this, Lisa manages to slip away but the Joy gang doesn't let Brad pursue - forcing one more choice: for Brad to give up an arm, or for them to take all the stuff from Brad's team.

Brad cowardly lets them take all his gang's gear. The Joy gang does so, laughs and leaves Brad's gang naked in the wasteland.

Insight: I highly recommend joining the wrestling group if only to unlock a save point next to a safe "only wrestlers can sleep here" bed.

LISA: The Fate of all Bullies

[Part of the Wasted Land story]

A music record held by the monstrous neck titan convinces Bo the bard to join, as does Garth the artist for dirty mags, Clint Olympic for a hell of a lot more dirty mags, and Ajeet Mandeep the joy hating playboy - just for kicks. With a decent sized gang now, Brad searches the area in earnest finding a cult of fast food worshiping nutjobs.

After using some TNT to kill the guards, his crew climb the "sacred mountain" and defeat their clown god in his restaurant. Entering a crack in the wall they fight past a cavern of mutated spiders and eventually find Lisa! Only, she doesn't want to go back with Brad. She wants to help the world. Brad won't take no for an answer. He's very rapey that way. Brad is an awful and terrible person.

You tell him, Terry!

As soon as they step out of the cave, the Joy gang ambushes them - takes Lisa and flees with Brad's crew in hot pursuit. Alas, the Bully gang gets in the way - whom Terry "can't beat em, join em" Hintz is now apart of. Despite that, they are woefully outnumbered and are all beaten to death by Brad's gang, save for the Bully leader who runs away feebly. Once Brad catches up to him, the Bully leader opts to shoot himself in the head instead of getting massacred like the coward he is.

Insight: Clint has low HP but his moves rock!

Skyrim: The Dragonlord

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Getting artsy with my screencaps! :P

Xuru. I knew that name. The brother of Zuna who I completely forgot to look for after her death. I guess the Thalmor got his hands on him and swayed him to their side. There would be no talking him out of it though, so Twilight, Sofia, Bo, Aurora and I went to face him at his mountainous retreat. He was easy to find with his two dragon allies slaughtering everything in sight. Fireballs began to rain from the sky as I went after the named dragon first. It died pretty quick after I confused it with a Bend Will shout. At the same time  Aurora got blown to smitherines right beside me from a falling fireball.

In the distance I saw a chain of lighting strikes from the sky electrocuting Bo. There was nothing I could do for her but run past to the second dragon and slam it with a one hit kill, before turning to face Xuru. He had just finished running through Twilight with his two handed sword, and then with a small wrist gesture - summoned a brand new dragon instantaneously. Sofia leapt at it to keep it off me while I faced off against the knight landing a number of solid hits. He returned some too, and I needed heal pots after each one I didn't evade.

The showdown!

With perma dragon-aspect active, Xuru managed to fus roh dah me away a good distance. I landed on the corpse of my horse - the one that I thought couldn't die. I got back on my feet to see Xuru facing away from me. At his feet, Sofia's mangled body. She had managed to slay the dragon, but it didn't matter. As he turned to face me simply summoned another one. In a rage I charged twin blades flashing but he parried and disarmed my 900+ damage sword which was subsequently thrown to who knows where with all the explosions and lightning.

He's definitely the toughest non-scripted enemy I've faced!

Against a single blade he was pretty good at parrying, but I knew exactly how to make him drop his guard. I rolled past him and slew the dragon. As expected he did that wrist thing to summon another but by doing so left himself open to the final blow. The next dragon never did arrive. Xuru fell to his knees and collapsed onto the ground, dead. Exhausted, I surveyed the battlefield as the rain stopped.

I was the only one left standing.

Skyrim: Thalmor Agent Yyon

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Did I mention Brhuce rides a train?

Because he does.

Finally I collect the Tankard of Why, get out of that place and hand it over to Sofia. Brhuce still doesn't want to go back to his dad though, intent on continuing his adventures. We don't get to argue much though as a panicked villager informs us of an attack on Riverwood. Heading there we find the guards being slaughtered by Thalmor Agent Yyon and his cronies! This guy is far worse than Zavakin, having the ability to summon a shade of one of the named dragons I had already slain. Fortunately we have reinforcements in the form of Bo, Twilight and Aurora, as well as Brhuce's summons: the steam shooting "Trainmen". 

As I said, Brhuce also shoots trains.

Yyon's henchies don't last long but he himself is adept at healing just at the verge of death, so this ranged battle (thanks to Brhuce's continued knock back attacks) takes really long. Alas, Brhuce's own combo of shooting knock back trains followed up by instant teleportation beside his target to attack with his swords proves to be his undoing when he attempts it on an airborne dragon - and misses. With a loud scream and a sickening crunching splat, the law of gravity proved to be his undoing.

Meanwhile, Yyon was setting everything on fire.

Yyon turned out to be quite the pyromaniac, but with so many targets for him to keep track of he left his back open for my +900 x6 sneak attack damage backstab which was far too much for him to heal from. With him finally dead, my old allies informed me that the Thalmor had sent an even bigger threat to Skyrim which is why Bo had returned from Elswyr and the sisters from their campaign in Summerset Isle. They had sent a Dragonlord!?

Skyrim: Secret Agent

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

After collecting the requested items for the Temple of Stendarr I am asked if I want to join their order. Given I've joined all the other groups so far I accept and am tasked with hunting an ex-member who turned into a werewolf as my "trial". We find him easy enough, and though he seems to be the amiable, loner sort I opt to kill the abomination anyway. For the greater good! The Stendarrites are pleased with this, and task me next with infiltrating the "Remnants of the Mythic Dawn" cult. Yep, the same ones that opened the Oblivion Gates.

Too bad he didn't beg for his miserable life. 

I would have killed him regardless.

To do this I'd need to leave all my gear, dress up like a warlock and make friends with a captive cultist they have in custody. Sure why not. Sofia also wants to do this, and cannot be talked out of it. Since being "imprisoned" with two bodyguards would probably be too much to believe, Bo leaves the party at this point and wishes us luck. She decides to head back to Elswyr to have adventures with Skullcat. I'm a little jealous.

Instead we get to crawl through this.

So, Sofia and I end up in prison with some random cultist guy. As planned we help him escape (through the shitter, literally) and since he is probably a moron, he decides to invite us to join his order. We accept! He then leads us on what appears to be a marathon across at least a fourth of the country and obviously we have to keep him alive in the process.

Iron knifing trolls. Ahh that takes me back.

There is a small benefit in that his path takes us near Riverwood, so I make a quick detour to recruit Bandit (Bo's battle sister) which seems natural to the cultist since she's basically just hired muscle.

Skyrim: No Undeath

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

We found the necromancers gathering at Ravenscorn Spire and learned that their leader, Antioch, was setting out to become a lich! To do this, he required three things: an item from the arch mages grave, a priest of Arkay to sacrifice and a ritual to be performed at some hill at the Reach. We split up, taking one location each and after fighting a handful of underlings met up again upon our success at the snowy path to the Dragontail Mountains, where Antioch was waiting.

Let me warm you up, kitty!

The map led us to a mausoleum guarded by undead and more necromancers. Bo decided to guard the entry from any reinforcements while Sofia and I continued into the huge labyrinth that awaited below. There were lots of keys and secret doors to find in the dark so it took us awhile to clear it, but ultimately Antioch was a chump and the other resident Lich was easily put down by Sofia's blade.

I literally just stood by and watched.

With that done we regrouped with Bo and made our way to Winterhold to hand in the troublesome books of lichdom to the Mage College. While there we also found a newly built Shrine of Stendarr where the resident caretaker asked for body parts of vampires and daedras. That shouldn't be too bad since I like hoarding stuff from my kills... I mean... adventures. Bo also finds a note about the one month anniversary of some sunken ship, so we go visit the fantastically decorated Icebound Crypt and discover a ludicrous group of horkers set on slaying all of humanity.

We obviously put a stop to that.

Skyrim: Script Breaker

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Finally it was time for a showdown with Tartarus at the top of the structure. His go to combo was hiding in his god shield and summoning a miniature black hole that tracks and insta kills. Fortunately, it can be used against him through either Fus Ro Dah or simply being fast - which I was thanks to the night sky and shadow armor. The black hole would destroy his shield and leave him open for attacks.

Of course this is in between him summoning drop ships of "elites" and skeletons who can't be hurt and to be frank - was getting really annoying. Especially since I must have crashed around 100 times playing through this mod just to reach here. Since my PC couldn't really take any more I simply broke the script and during one of his "I can take damage but if I take enough I'll turn on the god shield again" I pulled out my strongest weapons and eviscerated the asshole before he could jump back behind his protection.

That's what you get for summoning the shield then trying to run to it.

With this job done I then used the asylum teleport to get myself the heck out of there and back to Bo and Sofia. In my absence they had gone ahead and tracked down that missing Vigilant caravan. They brought proof it had been attacked by necromancers, and had a lead on where to find them.

Skyrim: Meeting Death

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Since those two kids are pretty independent, I just put in a word with the locals to keep an eye on them while I return to questing. Daddy's gotta work right? Well, no not if I'm this rich but more like.... daddy's gotta kill people. MUAHAHAHAHAH *scary face*. 

Sofia gets it.

After some regular bandit and vampire hunting Sofia, Bo and I arrive at the ruins of Azhgarfund - an interesting ruin with logic puzzles, fake walls that you have to jump backwards into, and a giant robot who almost kills both my companions simply because of how strong his armor is. The room was designed to weaken him upon luring him to the corners but the brute force method certainly felt more rewarding. He was ultimately tougher than the "summoner" mage at the bottom of the dungeon who basically didn't summon fast enough. :P

A true man shaped tank!

We then traveled to Dawnstar where an entire clan of Ebony Warriors (related to that first guy I guess) had taken over the Quicksilver Mine. The battle was ultimately fast but furious, and again the girls came near death but we walked away the victors. We were then tasked with finding a missing Vigilant of Stendarr caravan and suddenly a dwemer bot rolled up to us and teleported me (and only me) to some weird room with little explanation. I was now in the company of Nobby Nobs, Fred Colon and... Death?

He's as surprised as I am.

Skyrim: Crazy Cats

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

There's no cat like Skullcat!

Turns out the Khajiit's of Elswyr also submitted to the Thalmor after the White Gold Concordat was signed, but this particular group were rebels which made me really happy. After clearing the woods of some mini dinosaurs and huge spiders, Bo, Sofia and I were given an airship whith Khulam the telepath khajiit navigator and Skull Cat the khajiit pirate to stop a small Thalmor incursion (with their Igma, monkey allies) into the jungle which culminates in airborne boarding! Sofia executes their commander in his quarters.

Airship boarding!

After beating up some argonian pirates we also handle their other problem in the form of a fat Sload who wants to eat everything. He's stupid enough to get us to find food for him though which gives an easy opportunity to poison and subsequently kill him while he is weakened. Oh, and he had some sort of viral bomb which we "disarmed" (by killing an infected dinosaur) too.

Fat bastard.

With that done and the rebellion trully underway here it's time to bid farewell to my new crazy cat friends and head back to Skyrim. I'm going to miss them.

Aww... I'm going to miss them a lot!

Our first stop upon getting back was my house where Rayya had made absolutely ZERO progress in decorating it. Where the hell is all my gold going you incompetent steward? Anyway, since that is going nowhere I decide to convert the alchemy lab in my Riften property into some children's bedrooms to adopt two little girls: Sofie the flower seller at Windhelm and Lucia the beggar Whiterun. I think Njada would have liked that. And at least here, they get to play with the other kids at the orphanage.

So strange. So strange.

Skyrim: Moonpath

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

After dropping off the Elder Scroll at Whiterun (which in hindsight is silly, I should leave it with the Dawnguard) the town once again came under a bandit attack, this time with Morag Tong in tow. I let Bo lead the guards while I observed from the parapets. The enemy had no chance, inflicting zero friendly casualties. While inspecting the battlefield I happened to come across an inebriated and almost naked lady asleep on the hay in the stables.

Lol!

Waking her up, she introduces herself as Sofia and pretty much insists on being my stalker joining the party. Bo has no issues with this so I give her some of my previously acquired gear and head out to Falkreath where I've been informed of a visiting Khajiit caravan. The cat couple who run it are about to head back to their home of Elswyr, and since I could use a vacation from the cold, we all tag along.

The resident beast of burden.

It's a decent journey, with stops to clear a bandit blockade (Khajiit bandits ofcouse) South of Riverhold and a detour around a broken bridge at the edge of the woods but soon we reach the Heart of the Tenmar Forest where the Pahmar (talking tigers) welcome us and give us a cool canopy home, complete with talking tiger guards! Of course they had problems of their own and were counting on us to help them.

She asks the important questions... :P

Skyrim: The Lifeless Vaults

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

The theme set by that steam dragon continues in this dark place which really lives up to its name. Nothing down here is "alive", but there are plenty of automatons looking to kill us. Not just the usual ones either: there are flying "Empress" types, "Hollow Sentries" and a variety of unique "boss" robots who wait it small arenas with closed doors. A lever opens the door, but one must then sprint through before the door closes, and some doors are blocked with intense fog and flame meaning you can't see what's on the other side...

Often because the things on the other side generate intense flames and fog!

Bo and I split up often in this dungeon to cover more ground. She rather handily takes care of all the little adds while I handle the arenas, trap hallways and boss chambers. This place is impressive and full of combat.

Combat and Parkour!

Ultimately none of the defenses stop us from reaching the Elder Scroll though, and while I am glad for the victory I am also slightly concerned that my previously 900+ damage weapon has degraded to the 130 range. Still more than enough for regular adventuring.

More than enough for you, hammer-axe robot!

Skyrim: What's Inside

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

I sat for awhile in Hjerim, watching the Morag Tong assassins bleed out all over the floor. Some didn't have their heads attached any more. I barely noticed when Bo, who I had sent to scout the perimeter, returned with a bloody parchment in hand. There were no other assassins nearby, but she did find another corpse - one with a strange letter on it indicating a dead drop in town. I wasn't really in the mood for any adventuring but she persisted. She had gone to the dead drop, and found another parchment: one indicating that another dwemer ruin (these seem to just keep popping up) contained an Elder Scroll.

Such an artifact could not fall into the wrong hands so I got up from the chair and headed out to the "really obvious" location. I say that because it had a pillar of light shining right above it. It was also guarded by a dragon. Not just any dragon - a DWEMER STEAM DRAGON! Cool! I didn't want to destroy such wondrous technology if I could avoid it so I tried use Bend Will...

And destroyed my enemy by making it my friend. :)

It must be the only dragon so far that hasn't gone hostile on me after the shout expired. Happy with that outcome I let it go and continued with Bo to the entrance of ... The Lifeless Vaults.

Skyrim: Even in Death

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Well, that's an ominous looking robot...

The Nerevarine was hunting down some giant robotic WMD, and it was really difficult to miss when we found entered its room! All of us were having trouble damaging it though since it seemed to repair itself incredibly quickly. A series of levers around the chamber seemed to be the tacticians way of working out how to defeat the robot but I chose a different path: Slow time. Under the effects of that shout, the mechas regeneration could not keep up with my damage output and I sent him flying.

Literally.

After thanking us for our assistance, the Nerevarine said his goodbyes and headed off to wherever Azura guided him next but not before telling us that he sighted the strange Ebony Warrior camped nearby. Before we could investigate Mandryn showed up though and he was not pleased with us letting the Nerevarine go, so much so that he attacked tried to attack. Bo gave him a few new windpipes. A letter on his person revealed him to be a member of the Morag Tong.

Guess he wasn't expecting that!

With a shrug it was time to deal with the Ebony Warrior, but I wanted to make a pit stop first: at a dragon roost to tame a reverend dragon! Challenge accepted Ebony Warrior! With Bo, Red Shadow and myself atop this beast the Ebony Warrior was torn limb from limb, though to his credit it did take longer than I expected. Sure hope he wasn't expecting a fair duel! After he was dragon poop I decided to report back to Njada in Windhelm about our success, only to find Morag Tong assassins already defiling her corpse when we arrived.

And so, even in death the Ebony Warrior defeated me. :/

Skyrim: A Criminal from Morrowind

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

In search of the Morrowind criminal, Bo and I headed to the foundling little hamlet of Little Vivec as suggested by Mandryn (who claimed to be following other leads but I suspect he was just drinking all the ale in that tavern). The new community was made up of Dunmer who had fled from the racism of Windhelm and they had a fair amount of courier work to hand out. None of them wanted to talk about the strange warrior who had come through a few days before.

I figured taking out some local bandits for the community might loosen their tongues but they were all dead when we arrived at their camp, apparently beaten to it by the mysterious stranger. Finally one of the dunmer admitted that this stranger was seeking some nearby dwemer ruins so Bo and I hoofed it over there and followed the trail of dead bodies and broken robots deep into the small facility.

A trio of riddles also blocked the path but they were easily solved once I worked out the cool mechanic. Basically the answer to each was an item, and so if the answer was "time" for example, I'd need to put a watch into a nearby box to unlock the door. Good design work there I thought. :) Finally we caught up to this mysterious warrior, and he asked for our help. I immediately said yes.

Brutus!?

Skyrim: The Ebony Warrior

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Arriving at Windhelm I decided to check in with Njada but only got to the town center when a massive Ebony Warrior approached me and having "accomplished everything" wanted to duel me as his final challenge in life. I told him I'd think about it, and when he turned around I called the guards on him (by making him angry via pickpocket). I stood back as I watched the Ebony Warrior decimate the five guards that arrived, learning that he had decent restoration skills and that he too was dragonborn. That's not such a big deal these days.

I should really consider lighting a torch for screenies...

Not willing to risk the lives of any more citizens I let the giant of a man leave after he sheathed his weapon. I had hoped to track him outside but he simply vanished once he reached the gate! Concerned for her safety, I thought I'd advise Njada to move house but she adamantly refused since there were others in the city that required her protection.

My next stop was Riverwood where I recruited Bo after returning Marauder's body to the camp (it sort of got there on its own actually, kinda strange). She mentioned a possible lead in the local tavern and sure enough a dunmer named Mandryn was there asking for my help to track down a dangerous fugitive from Morrowind for a measly 500 gold reward. "Did this guy wear Ebony Armor?" I asked, "If so I think I've already run into him."

Skyrim: Non-Starters

Adventures in Skyrim - spoilers ahead! You can follow the rest of the story here!

Riften turned out to be a very short stop on my equally short bandit hunting quest. The trail of pushover brigands, some of whom fought each other because one was a werewolf (lol, what was going on there?) I finally found their boss, Fin, beneath the College of Winterhold. It was a short duel, and while he had decent speed I was simply too agile for him.

The surviving mages then told me of the return of the Master Dragons, Alduin's liutenants (who by this tale are a few years too late). Alas compared to the monstrous dragons I've already fought they are but a footnote and were easily hunted and executed. Finally I could get back to Jarling - but upon return to Whiterun I found it under attack by a group of bandits who were soundly being defeated by the guards. I watched with pride as my guardsmen sent them packing. I tailed a few of the good looking survivors back to Riverwood where they agreed to work for me instead of being executed. I got B.T. to join the party while her compatriots Bandit, Marauder and Bo guarded the small village.

It seems dragons come in all colors now...

Back at Whiterun the guards informed me of some Oblivion Gate opening nearby, but when I went to the spot there was nothing there. Looks like once again, they had everything under control! Finally back in town, Belethor let me take a look a new book in his shop - one that transported me to a modern motel with a horror motif. This asylum was indeed quite creepy, complete with mute people blankly staring into space, but with all the locked doors it soon became boring and I teleported my self back to Whiterun to do some actual work.

Why anyone would want a painting of that hanging around is a mystery.