Elden Ring: Try looking away

[Part of my Elden Ring journal]

Unlike the slow stone smiths there are occasionally these spry birdmen assassins that jump out and do capoeira at me, and after beating the third or so (they are paper DPSsers), I meet the final member of Leda's team: a weak and soft spoken chemist named Thollier who sells poisons. On the cliffside path beyond Ancient Dragon-Man invades (and is promptly slain lol). Seriously? "Ancient Dragon-Man"? Could have been worse I suppose. Still remember that guy from Knight Online named "Warm Dragon Piss". 

The mimic tear still rocks!

A dungeon beyond him that features his return as the boss (LOL) opens a path to some jagged mountains but I opt to go another way first to Castle Ensis, guarded by an armored giant! But these are like the ones I've killed before so he's no problem, and neither are the soldiers and casters I sneak up upon. The Carian Knight Moonrithyll IS a problem though as she is super aggressive so I have a fun time running away from her until I reach the next camp site... then I go back and kill her. Fights go very differently if I can open with a sneak attack!

The actual boss of the castle is a dual sword wielder of no importance because she has absolutely no chance against me and Needle Knight Leda, and beating her opens up the next zone... with an even bigger castle in the distance. LOL. I take a detour first to try get a map fragment but fail since it is not in the valley I thought it was and instead end up facing off against a death knight in his crypt. Too bad for him he's weak to my holy great club. No idea why the club is holy, it just is. I'm now level 165.

Elden Ring: Be wary of laggardly sort

[Part of my Elden Ring journal]

At the Belurat Tower Settlement I meet some insectoid foes namely the fly men who have a really annoying grab attack, and the terrifying but actually easy to slay scorpion spiders, because regular scorpions and spiders aren't bad enough! The shady villagers are also keen ambushers but thanks to all the signs left by other tarnisheds I basically have a heads up for any and all ambushes en route to the top of the place where I meet the big boss of the area: a lion dancer? WTF? Anyway, Freyja and I put an end to him easily but the next tower up is sealed by "shadow" so that's the cue to head off and explore again.

Below the settlement is the gaol full of Jar men and folks in various stages of Jar-manism. It isn't pretty. For some reason the boss down here is an agile goblin who is easily slain, just like the ghostflame dragon at the lake outside. I also locate what seems to be a wolf cave but at the lowest level is an entire church of Bloodfiends! This is where I learn the value of a bow (I just use the pulley bow) to annoy one of them at a time to lure and kill which is a super handy strategy since many things fall for it!

After slaying their chieftain boss I locate an ancient forge, being fought over by soldiers and Bloodfiends, that is home to easily smashed lava eles and super tough but also incredibly slow stone smiths. These forge dungeons are really cool as there's no boss in them, just a set of puzzles (and dodging the smiths) to get to the "final forge" to retrieve high level crafting stuff. Less fighting, more thumbs up!

It's faster just to side step these lumbering golem smiths.

Elden Ring: Here again...

[Part of my Elden Ring journal]

Just when I thought I was done with Elden Ring, Juris gifts me the DLC: Shadow of the Erdtree. So now I'm back and quickly recruited by Needle Knight Leda to venture to the Realm of Shadow to find their lord, Miquella. This realm of Shadow is quite pleasant at first. Lush fields with ordinary shadow peasant folk and their shadow dog pets whom I murder as well as giant stone birds that come to life when you get too close to whatever grave they are guarding. They're also no match for my great club.

It's a magical place...

It's when I find the tomb of some ghost knight with a huge sword and repeating crossbow that I start getting my ass kicked because I've forgotten how to play. Dodge? Block? Counter? Stam runs out!? What!? "You have died" (a lot). But slowly it comes back to me: with the club, aggression is king and if I ignore any and all semblance of intellect and just rush forward and jump smash, that's how I win. Easily. Because club: smash! Also super effective on the stone birds!

Soon after I meet more of Leda's team: Redmane Freyja, a soldier of Radahn (who I helped kill). Hornsent, a bandaged samurai. Sir Ansbach, former servant of Mogh (who I killed). Dryleaf Dane, a silent monk and Moore, a heavily armored but simpleton knight who likes collecting and selling stuff. Nearby are more denizens of the place, spiritual ogres who I later learn are called "Bloodfiends" and lightning goats who I always run away from! I also always avoid the giant burning men because... what sane person would want to fight that? my club doesn't hurt it enough and it has good AoE. :P

Kung Fu Panda 4 and Borderlands (2024)

Accepting change.

Kung Fu Panda 4

Continuing on from the previous movie, Poh (voiced Jack Black) faces his next task of choosing a successor - something he doesn't want at all because it would mean no longer being "the Dragon Warrior". Of course these movies are really all about accepting change, and his adventure this time has side-lined the other high paid voice actors defenders "the Furious Five" off on single sentence hand waved missions (which is a good idea). Funny and entertaining but only watch it after Kung Fu Panda 3.   

Borderlands

When bounty hunter Lilith (Cate Blanchett) is sent to track down a fugitive on her home planet of Pandora, she learns a few things about herself. Oh, and kills a LOT of people in ther process! As regular readers might know, I've played a lot of the Borderlands game series from which this movie is based of. My advice if you are like me: put everything you know about the games and the meta in a box, set the box aside (and maybe air step over it) when you go watch this as it will be more enjoyable as a clean slate than if you have expectations.

I did that, and I was not disappointed. Sure, it's not as gory-violent as the games but its still very entertaining in a PG-13 way. Claptrap (voiced by Jack Black) is actually funny and not as annoying as his game counterpart, and there's just some ridiculous fun in the chase and action sequences that kept us glued to the screen. My wife, who has never played Borderlands, absolutely loved the show and wished it was a series so that there would be more. While I might not have loved it as much as she, I'm in agreement as it wasn't bad at all.

Golden Kamuy (2024) and Reality Z

Changing up the format.

Golden Kamuy

Set in the late Meiji period in Japan, this live action movie focuses on an "immortal" soldier who apparently still needs money and stumbles upon a crazy treasure hunt involving map pieces having been tattooed onto people. There are some really nice action sequences here (though it's hard to feel worried for the immortal guy) as well as loads of world building and... bears? Yeah. Lots of bears. Anyway, I didn't realize this was based on a manga and worse: it simply ends with a ton of plot threads hanging because it wants a continuation. Sure there was an action / many action bits at the end but... none of them felt like a climax. All up this movie just introduces people and sets up the world. Don't bother watching it until there's a Golden Kamuy 2 (and possibly 3-5 at the rate its going).

Reality Z

In this one season show it's time for another zombie outbreak, this time in Brazil - with a strong focus on their version of a "Big Brother" reality TV house and production studio. Yep, there's jump scares (often happen after long boring shots of people walking slowly down an empty corridor), gore and people making idiotic decisions as per standard fare but this series has a super odd format, and is probably a lesson for me on why some people should always have plot armor. If I was to recommend a cut down version of the show (like I did for Helluva Boss) I'd say just start from episode 6. That said, I don't actually recommend watching it as it goes nowhere.

Mortal Kombat Legends: Scorpion's Revenge and Battle of the Realms

"FIGHT!"

Scorpion's Revenge

This ultra violent animated martial arts film is based on the Mortal Kombat game franchise and somehow fits in a ton of characters, a decent story that has a decent script and character growth along side great and bloody action sequences which is a surprise coming from the Warner Brothers Animation studio. Highly entertaining an excellent film to occupy you for 80 minutes even if you know nothing of Mortal Kombat. Recommended!

Battle of the Realms

This sequel film continues with the ultra violent animation but loses a bit of ground in the plot department as there are a few things happening at the same time, which tries to mash together the tournament, a side quest involving robot ninjas, demons and a kaiju style fight for the finale. Yeah, they did this to include even more named characters but the result is the story isn't as tight - and as ridiculous as some of the Mortal Kombat stuff is to begin with, there are bits here that are really hilarious like: jumping off to certain death counting on a random gust of air to save you and "oh, this magic door needs a key to open so lets spend the whole movie getting the key to get in. How to get out? Easy, just shoot a hole in the ceiling and fly out! So... why didn't we do that to get in? ..."

Still, if you enjoyed the first one you'll most likely enjoy this not quite as good sequel. Still recommended. :)

Pathfinder: Lamatar

[Part of the Party Time journal]  

The first two Kreeg guards at their cavernous mountain top fortress manage to KO Ezren, but are put down soon after by the rest of the team so for the next two guards who also have a hill giant assisting them, Ezren doesn't hesitate to hit them with ice storm which really messes them up. In the nearby mining and forge chamber with a dozne more ogres, Ezren and Kyra annihilate almost all of them with fireballs while Razmus helps(?) my throwing boulders but missing each time!

The next chamber has a trio of hags that manage to force cage Kyra and Ezren while also blocking Razmus and Shay, but are taken down by Valeros, Kyra's summoned bear, and Merisiel's ultra deadly backstabbing. Then the team finally comes across the remains of Black Arrow Captain Lamatar who is now a frost wight and absolutely the scariest foe they have faced so far. He's very fast, shoots three times and every time he hits drains a level! WTF!? As the team is only level 9 and reaching level 0 is death, they throw everything they have against this guy and finally succeed but only end with Ezren and Shay not being level drained.

Low on spells the team then rests at the entrance of the fortress just long enough to get spells back and heal but not recover lost levels before a returning patrol of ogres interrupts them, though Stolas gives early warning for the heroes to strike first. Ezren opens with cloud kill which basically ends the majority of the enemies, and once that's wrapped up the crew decide to press on to a huge throne room with two giants: a throne sitting necromancer and his guard.

Merisiel's giant-slaying bow and Razmus' hammer efficiently deal with the nameless guard while the necromancer hits the team with fireballs and magic missiles. Comedically Razmus finally lands a hit with a thrown boulder but the necromancer catches it and throws it back, smacking him in the face! Ultimately the bad guy, who was more of an HP sponge rather than a threat like Lamatar, is slain.

A note in his treasure pile suggests he too answered to someone else, but first the team return Lamatar's finger (as requested) to the undead nymph who revives him, restores everyone's missing levels, then fades away to the spirit realm making the forest a normal one again. Lamatar is unable to get over his failure and instead of returning to Fort Rannick decides to become the new protector of these woods.